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Pre-Wedding Confessions

Posted Aug 06 2011 12:00am

1.  This post is not going to be about yoga, please forgive me.

2.  The fiance and I have given up drinking in these few weeks before the wedding, in order to keep our heads and bodies clear.  We have also given up coffee, and even though I know that there is nothing less helpful in quieting my constantly running mental to-do list, I still keep sneaking medium soy lattes from my favorite coffee shop.  I can not help myself.

3.  Though I am teaching a bazillion classes a week, my own yoga practice is currently, well...laughable.  This week it has consisted of a few hour long sessions of rolling around on my mat while listening to NPR.  Why while listening to NPR?  Because (and here's the confession part) I am actually bribing myself to practice with promises of in-practice distraction.  Because the last thing I want to do, honestly, after a day full of public yoga.  I may not be practicing well, but at least I am still keeping up on my Planet Money podcast .

4. Lately I find myself going into short spasms of wedding anxiety, partially because we DO have a lot to do and we DON'T have a lot of time, but also to assuage my bride-guilt for not being more upset about things that have gone wrong.  Like the woman who ran away with my dress.  And the property manager who ran away with our hay.  All stories for another time.  But, having heard from too many female friends that they would have been up nights with anxiety about my (now solved) wedding dress fiasco...I started accumulating a small amount of "I'm not worried enough about this" guilt.  Which has now manifested in several bouts of misplaced upset about things I'm maybe not actually all that upset about.  It is my tragic gift--I am unflappable about most mishaps in my concrete life (i.e. disappearing wedding dress), but often inconsolable about things in my imaginary one (i.e., why aren't I more upset about my disappeared wedding dress?!).

5.  As excited as I am for the wedding, as much as I can't wait for it to get here and also don't want it to be over as quickly as I know it will be over, I have also secretly wished, on several occasions, that we had just hauled ourselves off to a justice of the peace somewhere and gotten married all alone.  When we were first looking for venues, months ago, we ended up in conversation with a young woman running one of the Inns in Big Bear, who had recently been married herself.  Where did you get married, we asked.  In San Diego, she said.  Was it a big wedding, we asked.  No, she said, it was just us, at the courthouse.  That sounds nice, we said, did you have a reception after? No, she said, you're going to laugh--we just went to a baseball game.  We both swooned with the loveliness at the thought of it, even then.  I am doubly swooning now.

6.  One of the things they don't tell you about wedding planning is that the nearer you get to the wedding, the more time you and your other spend talking doing and fighting about all things wedding.  It is a rare meal that goes by these days that we are not to-do-ing each other to death.  It's necessary, I know.  It's temporary, I know.  But still...I can't wait to be able to go see a movie again.  With my (giggle)...husband.

7.  Even for all this, I can't listen to the song we've picked for our first dance without tearing up.  And imagining standing there with him and saying our vows?  Forget it, I'm done for.

8.  And what continues to surprise me, even after these 6+ years we've spent together, is how shockingly lucky I feel to have A. fallen in love with a man who is so good, B. somehow done enough charming somethings to convince this man that he might like to spend the rest of his life with me, and C. have made it through long enough to be standing right on the precipice of marriage to this man.  There are a lot of broken marriages in my family...all necessary and all survived...but because of this (and a myriad of other things) I never grew up with any inkling that I might be blessed with a deep, committed relationship that works and is healthy and does no harm, and so I feel extravagantly blessed these days.

9.  And as long as my recently surgery-ed tooth doesn't explode, my face doesn't break out in pre-wedding acne revenge, and/or no one locks either one of us in a closet on the blessed day, I actually think it all might go off without a hitch.

10.  Or, rather...with a hitch.  A big one.  A mighty good one.
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