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How Am I?

Posted Mar 18 2009 3:14am

My practice over the last few days has been to ask "How am I?" without answering. To allow the pebble of the question to drop into my lake and feel the effect of the ripples.

"How are you?" is a question that is so casually thrown about. And when you have not really asked it of yourself, it is easy to reply, "Great" most of the time.

These days, I am not "great." But I have not found a way to communicate this easily while passing another in the produce section of the grocery store. The risk of being asked to dredge through the details is too immense. And being asked to feel better is even more difficult. Mostly I try to bounce the question back quickly, and usually others seem happy to answer instead. Because it is not as simple as replying, "terrible." In fact the play of opposites is what makes the question almost impossible to answer.

I have never been "worse", but I have never been so aware and tender. And I am weeping for the first time in my life. The radical opening that is taking place is what I have been praying for. But deeper truths are an acquired taste, and I have been willfully limiting my palette for a long time. The saltiness of my tears is slowly becoming familiar.

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