Yesterday, while practicing with Patricia Sullivan, she wrapped a strap all the way down my legs. My nervous system breathed a sigh of relief. The swaddling effect allowed me to relax and I had the insight that we create tension in order to feel held.
I have been in the practice of writing my dreams down for about a year and a half. However, I was not doing much else besides recording them. I had no sense of how to enter and understand them, so they simply got logged in my Google Documents.
I started therapy about a month ago and at the request of my therapist, I printed out and read through all the dreams. Everything that is happening in my life right now had already been revealed in the dreams. The current of my soul seems to have a momentum that has nothing to do with "me" and what "I" might think "I" want. This is incredibly humbling.
My persistent resistance to the Flow has been my way of creating a safe small container. The exoskeleton around my heart, across my shoulders and back is generated simply by my desperate need to feel safe. Pulling back and allowing myself to see that I am being taken care of and "moved along" just fine seems to be a first step in starting to trust. And maybe even starting to feel held.