I had a box of condoms expiring in December 2010. I'd bought them in October 2006, the same month my vulvodynia had started. I'd bought them to have sex with the guy who -- I could say -- caused my vulvodynia.
But I won't say that. My vulvodynia is probably actually pudendal neuralgia, or entrapment of a nerve that is supposed to be fun. It could be an injury. I fell on my butt a ton as a middle-school ice skater. Maybe it was that and not the guy.
It was October 2010, four years after my vulvodynia had started. For eight months, I had managed to have a regular sex life with the first guy I had dated seriously since October 2006. He had been living at my place. Now I had pulled these condoms out of a tumble of clothes in my dresser because I was packing up to move into our new place. And I was going to throw the condoms away.
But first I had to see if they were expired. December 2010 -- I had succeeded. I had had sex before then. After the October 2006 guy dumped me with a "maybe later," I thought I would never use a condom again.
So I tossed the condoms. I tossed some other things too. Thong things. The British one, the angel one, the one that was clearly made to stick out of the wearer's pants. Those were other things I was sure I was never going to use again.
Two months after I tossed out the condoms, my boyfriend tossed me out of our new place. Or I tossed myself out. I had been sitting on the toilet in pain. He was in bed. I came to bed crying. He asked, "What do you want me to do?"
"I just need a hug," I said.
"I can't deal with you being sick like this."
"Well, maybe you should find a girlfriend who isn't sick."
BANG, his fist on the headboard. He jumped out of bed, went into the bathroom, threw shut the door, threw it open. I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs. I wanted to drive away but I didn't have any clothes on.
He screamed down the stairs at me and got back into bed. I went back upstairs and screamed at him.
"You just broke us up!" I said.
He said nothing.
I almost packed up the cat and left. Then I did. Then I unpacked her and lay on the edge of the bed touching my boyfriend's back. I think I fell asleep.
The next day, December 14, 2010 -- had the condoms expired? -- I moved out.
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