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Things you won't hear your L and D nurse say (but she's thinking them)

Posted Jun 16 2011 2:51pm
What I'm thinking versus what I really say

I have never seen something like that before!
Well, that's interesting.

What IS that?!?
I'm not quite sure. Let me get your doctor or midwife.

All 20 of your visitors are your labor support? Sure.
That's wonderful that you have so many supportive people to help you through labor.

Grandma is drunk. I can smell it from 10 feet away.
Grandma, you look a little tired. Can I show you to our waiting room so you can rest your feet for a bit.

Oh crap! A cord prolapse!
Apparently, the cord is coming out first. This is urgent, and we need to go for a c-section right now. A lot of people are going to be coming in to get you ready, so don't panic. I'll be right here with you.

We need to get your legs far back and you need to push really hard now, alright?

Oh crap! This is a LOT of bleeding! Why won't it stop??
It appears that you're having some extra bleeding.

Where is the doc when I really need him/her?
The doctor is on his way.

Of course your doctor will be with you all throughout your labor - NOT.
Your nurse is with you for the majority of your labor. The doctor comes in when you're close to the birth.

I have no clue what I'm feeling (during a cervical check).
I can't quite reach your cervix. Do you mind if I have another nurse check?

I hope I never see that again.
Well, that was interesting.

This is the first time I'm doing this.
I've done this lots of times.

What a funny looking kid!
Oh look, he has your eyes!

The call bell needs to be taken away from you. You're on it every 2 minutes!
Is there anything I can get for you?

Your pain is 10/10? Seriously? I don't believe you when you're on the phone and laughing with your "guests".
.....blink blink....... What have you done to help ease your pain?

History of rapid births. Better have everything set up 20 minutes ago!
Tell me when you feel like the baby is coming, I trust you 110%!

She has five kids already, working on #6. And she's not old enough to drink. Hip hip hurray for welfare!
What method of birth control do you plan on using after the baby is born? (Not a normal question when admitting a laboring woman. But very pertinent.) Oh, you haven't thought about that? Let's review your options.........

Aw crap! Another laboring patient. We are packed to the gills with no spare labor rooms. WTF are we doing to do?
Hi there! How can I help you?

Ahhhh, the wheelchair sign. She's either 10 cm or has a closed cervix. I'm betting on the closed cervix.
Hi there! How can I help you?

Ahhhh, the positive towel test. She's definitely ruptured her membranes!
Let's get you into a room right away.

Your doctor is an ass. I wouldn't let him touch me, even if I was dying.
All of his patients seem to really like him.

A multip who is breech, and in active labor at 6 cm, and is sectioned. WTF didn't he deliver her vaginally?!
You should be able to have a VBAC next time, if you choose.
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