Acceptance. Acceptance might seem like a funny concept if you’re desiring change. You perfectionists out there might be thinking, "If I just accept (insert your problem here), how is it ever going to get better??" Or, one of my personal favorites, "If I’m not hard on myself and if I don’t push myself, I’ll turn into a (insert some awful name here)". Most people who are ambitious, successful and intelligent are also typically perfectionists. We perfectionists, or as I like to think about it, recovering perfectionists, thank you very much, are always trying to do something better, do something more. We are so focused. The lovely irony of this is that the harder we try to fight against something (I will NOT be frustrated with my mother; I will NOT be cranky with my fiancé; I will NOT pick up the phone when that stupid man that I love-to-hate calls), the harder it is to actually do it! How frustrating! But A-Ha! There’s a loop hole: acceptance.
Marcia Linehan is a Ph.D. and is the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy ( DBT ). When DBT first entered the field, it was, and still is, most commonly used to work with a particularly severe population. Now that DBT has been gaining popularity, not to mention research backing, its techniques are being used for all kinds of people struggling with all kinds of things. Radical Acceptance is one of the main DBT concepts and it can apply to anyone and everyone. Marcia Linehan describes it like this:
**“Radical acceptance is not simply a cognitive stance or cognitive activity; it is a total act. It is jumping off a cliff. You must keep jumping over and over because you can only accept in this one moment. Therefore, you have to keep actively accepting, over and over again in every moment. If radical acceptance is jumping off a cliff into the deep abyss, then there is always a tree stump coming out of the cliff just below the top and the minute you fall past you reach out and cling onto that stump. And then you’re on another cliff’s edge, asking perhaps, “How did this happen?” Then, you jump off the cliff again. Radical acceptance is the constant jumping off, jumping off, jumping off and jumping off, yet again. Radical acceptance is also the nonjudgmental acceptance of the repeated grabbing onto the tree stump”
If that’s a bit abstract, here’s another way of looking at it: the first step towards change is ultimately acceptance. So when I’m cranky with my fiancé and I know I’m two seconds away from snapping at him, for no reason, I can: 1) Internally berate myself for feeling cranky with him when he’s done nothing wrong and fight my cranky feelings until I’m so frustrated that I do snap OR 2) I can ACCEPT and SURRENDER to how I’m feeling and simply say to him, "Baby, I’m cranky and I don’t know why...grumble". Do you know what happens when I choose option 2?? Suddenly I don’t feel so cranky anymore. I feel relieved!! Alas, I don’t have to be perfect! Big sigh...what a wonderful feeling.
But don’t take my word for it...try it out! The next time you’re struggling with something and you notice that you’re fighting with yourself and can’t stop thinking about whatever it is, just try accepting where you are with it. "I’m angry and I don’t like feeling this way, but it is what it is." "I'm very sad and totally overwhelmed and I know there are a lot of things I can do about it, but I just don't have the energy right now...and that's Ok" Does that sound cheesy? Maybe. Does it feel cheesy? In my experience, no. It feels freeing. It feels relieving. It feels great to treat myself how I would treat a dear friend. Here’s where the perfectionist in me chimes in: "But then how do I ever change?? When do we get to that part??" That is for another day...so just accept it already! Geez.... ;)
**Marcia Linehan quote reference: “Acceptance and Change: The Central Dialectic in Psychotherapy,” from Context Press, 1994; editors Steven C. Hayes, Neil S. Jacobson, Victoria M. Follette, and Michael J. Dougher. The chapter is titled “Acceptance and Change: Content and Context in Psychotherapy.”
Acceptance. Acceptance might seem like a funny concept if you’re desiring change. You perfectionists out there might be thinking, "If I just accept (insert your problem here), how is it ever going to get better??" Or, one of my personal favorites, "If I’m not hard on myself and if I don’t push myself, I’ll turn into a (insert some awful name here)". Most people who are ambitious, successful and intelligent are also typically perfectionists. We perfectionists, or as I like to think about it, recovering perfectionists, thank you very much, are always trying to do something better, do something more. We are so focused. The lovely irony of this is that the harder we try to fight against something (I will NOT be frustrated with my mother; I will NOT be cranky with my fiancé; I will NOT pick up the phone when that stupid man that I love-to-hate calls), the harder it is to actually do it! How frustrating! But A-Ha! There’s a loop hole: acceptance.
Marcia Linehan is a Ph.D. and is the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy ( DBT ). When DBT first entered the field, it was, and still is, most commonly used to work with a particularly severe population. Now that DBT has been gaining popularity, not to mention research backing, its techniques are being used for all kinds of people struggling with all kinds of things. Radical Acceptance is one of the main DBT concepts and it can apply to anyone and everyone. Marcia Linehan describes it like this:
**“Radical acceptance is not simply a cognitive stance or cognitive activity; it is a total act. It is jumping off a cliff. You must keep jumping over and over because you can only accept in this one moment. Therefore, you have to keep actively accepting, over and over again in every moment. If radical acceptance is jumping off a cliff into the deep abyss, then there is always a tree stump coming out of the cliff just below the top and the minute you fall past you reach out and cling onto that stump. And then you’re on another cliff’s edge, asking perhaps, “How did this happen?” Then, you jump off the cliff again. Radical acceptance is the constant jumping off, jumping off, jumping off and jumping off, yet again. Radical acceptance is also the nonjudgmental acceptance of the repeated grabbing onto the tree stump”
If that’s a bit abstract, here’s another way of looking at it: the first step towards change is ultimately acceptance. So when I’m cranky with my fiancé and I know I’m two seconds away from snapping at him, for no reason, I can: 1) Internally berate myself for feeling cranky with him when he’s done nothing wrong and fight my cranky feelings until I’m so frustrated that I do snap OR 2) I can ACCEPT and SURRENDER to how I’m feeling and simply say to him, "Baby, I’m cranky and I don’t know why...grumble". Do you know what happens when I choose option 2?? Suddenly I don’t feel so cranky anymore. I feel relieved!! Alas, I don’t have to be perfect! Big sigh...what a wonderful feeling.
But don’t take my word for it...try it out! The next time you’re struggling with something and you notice that you’re fighting with yourself and can’t stop thinking about whatever it is, just try accepting where you are with it. "I’m angry and I don’t like feeling this way, but it is what it is." "I'm very sad and totally overwhelmed and I know there are a lot of things I can do about it, but I just don't have the energy right now...and that's Ok" Does that sound cheesy? Maybe. Does it feel cheesy? In my experience, no. It feels freeing. It feels relieving. It feels great to treat myself how I would treat a dear friend. Here’s where the perfectionist in me chimes in: "But then how do I ever change?? When do we get to that part??" That is for another day...so just accept it already! Geez.... ;)
**Marcia Linehan quote reference: “Acceptance and Change: The Central Dialectic in Psychotherapy,” from Context Press, 1994; editors Steven C. Hayes, Neil S. Jacobson, Victoria M. Follette, and Michael J. Dougher. The chapter is titled “Acceptance and Change: Content and Context in Psychotherapy.”