As I progress in my clinical practicum, I have been really reflecting upon many things in my life. Love, family, extended family, happiness, fulfillment, children, midwifery, my career, my future, sleep (lack there of), life and death.
It's really been interesting, the discussions I have had, both within my own mind, and with co-workers, friends, family, acquaintances, midwives, nurses at my clinical site.
Funny -- I don't know how to write it all down, what I've been pondering and discussing.
Life --- we have only one. We have to recognize our strengths, weaknesses, and limitations. What is it that we can pursue, and how far should we pursue it? What if I fail? What if........it's not what I had built up in my mind for so long? What if........I need to change paths?
I've lost touch with much of my family over the past several years. Several life changing events have occurred, specifically, two very close family members have died. Women that I love with all of my heart and soul, and I sit here now and cry for their loss. I miss their presence terribly. I regret not fully appreciating and loving them and telling them that when I could have. And now.......I can't.
I had a very long heart to heart talk with a family member that I have not spoken to in over four years. FOUR YEARS!?!? How had I let it go for that long?!? HOW?!?!!!!!!!
Things need to change. I need to change. I need to refocus my attentions and energy on spending time with the family that I have left. Family is ALL WE HAVE.
I have focused on my goal of becoming a midwife for so long now. I may need to readjust that focus and drive a bit. I have also seen a different side to life --- something that I didn't expect to see. I feel differently about things now. Wow. Just....wow.
No, I am not quitting or dropping out. Not by a long shot!!! But I really am reflecting and reevaluating certain things in my life that relate to midwifery, my career, and most importantly, my family.