Marion Woodman has written about slowing down and meeting the inner feminine, and of the addiction to perfection that comes from living from outer instead of inner values. In our society we are driven, strive for outer approval, let our minds rule our hearts, disconnected from our female bodies. There is a drive for competition and always being right, a drive for control that kills the vulnerability in me, that does not accept uncertainty, or not knowing. In my dreams, my male animus is either a rebel on a motorcyle with a knife aimed at my belly, with the power to kill me if I don't escape, or more recently, a dying father, having a heart-attack, crumpled on the floor at my feet, while my son tries to prop him up.
The old way is dying in me, if I allow it.
Reflections on the life lived with controlling animus in charge:
- what seeks to be right, always - what hates to live in uncertainty - what crushing weight on my shoulders - what blocks my breath - what pushes past my children in a rush - what stirves to compete, rushes to get things done - what forgets to breathe - what outdoes itself all the time yet leaves basic life supporting things undone - what ignores the daily tasks that feed the body - what derives nourishment from thin air and refuses the real feelings that are food for the soul - what punishes and never weeps - what killing highwayman robs me in my sleep - what nightmares I pass on to my daughter - what love I withhold in the name of criticism - what nasty digs and sharp words hurt others - what refuses to be vulnerable - what disdains all that is weak, all that is feminine & holy - what eats up my quiet time with fretting - what perfectionism destroys my confidence - what adherence to law and rote ties my stomach up in knots & grinds my teeth - what need for approval weighs me down - what sucks all the joy out of my heart - what puts a crick in my neck & an ache in my breast - what will never surrender
The unknown within will be known, makes itself known, uncovers my blind eyes.
The heart sees truly, the body signals the need for self-knowledge.
The feeling body tells the truth.
I listen to my own sadness and cry cleansing tears.