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My car-vulva spiritual entrapment issue

Posted Dec 20 2012 1:07am

I've posited before that the problems I have with my car and my toilet are metaphors for problems in my life.

Well, Hyundai is having problems figuring out what's going on with the brakes on my new-to-me-in-June car. So they've called in the Dr. House of Hyundai to take a look at it.

I would think by now that my car is a lemon.  So I have to remind myself of the backstory.  Here's the sequence of events with a lot of yadda-yaddaing.  See if you can spot all the metaphors:
1. I take the car to the dealer shortly after I buy it to get its little checkup. I tell them it's making a high-pitched cicada-like sound all the time except when the clutch is in.  They say the sound is typical for the model.
2. I return to the same dealer to get something replaced under warranty.  I ask them to take another listen to the cicada noise.  They tell me it's the clutch.  I wish I were living in a time of women fainting a lot.
3. I get the car back and notice that the odometer isn't changing.  But that makes sense because I'm driving down the expressway at 0mph.  I go back so they can plug the meters in.  On my way home, I notice that the radio isn't making any noise.  I drive around in silence.
4. I take the car back to the dealer because after a few weeks of driving the car, the clutch is squeaking whenever I push it in and out.  I ask them to plug the speakers back in too.  They call to say, essentially, they fucked up the first time and have to replace a bunch of other stuff on the clutch.  They tell me the stereo issue is a busted amplifier.  I can get a new one for $400.  I tell them no.
5. When I get the car back, they tell me the speakers came on all by themselves just before I arrived.  On my way home, I notice that the anti-lock brakes seem to be activating more easily than usual.  I think it's my imagination.  After a week or so, I admit that no, the anti-lock brakes shouldn't activate when I'm braking for a stoplight at 20mph.
6. I do nothing.  Then I take the car to another dealer.  They give me a loaner and keep mine for a week and a half before telling me they're calling in the Dr. House of Hyundai, who will be in on Wednesday, December 19, 2012 to take a look at my car.  (Today.)
7. I fill out a questionnaire to see Dr. Fred Howard in Rochester, NY, a pudendal-neuralgia specialist .  I MAIL THE QUESTIONNAIRE TODAY, WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2012.
8. My toilet is fine.

I want to quip about the following: nerve entrapment and how it is maybe not like quantum entanglement but like it metaphorically which I could misuse to hypothesize that the soul of my car needs to be disentangled from the soul of my vulva so they both can get some peace plus a little about kismet, but I can't.  I wrote this last Friday and held off on posting it due to the Sandy Hook shooting.  I figure since Dr. House of Hyundai was supposed to evaluate my car today and I also sent off the questionnaire, I might as well put this post through and let my thoughts jell a little more before seeing if I want to write about Sandy Hook. ♥  All my love to the people of Newtown, and to everyone else in the world.
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