Part 3: When you yell, how does it make you feel? (I'm supposed to list as many feelings that arise as I can.) At first, I feel release. That lasts anywhere between two and five seconds. Then I feel guilty about yelling. The degree to which I feel guilty depends on two factors: 1) whether or not my yelling was based more on my emotional state versus the (real or perceived) transgression, 2) whether or not the behavior merited a stern reaction.
In other words, if I'm feeling pretty well in control, and one of my kids did something dangerous, I don't feel much guilt. But if I'm drained, stressed, and overwhelmed, and my kid just happened to get in my way, I feel very guilty.
Other feelings that crop up: Embarrassment. (Either of my own behavior, or of my kid's.) Fear. (loss of control) Shame. Remorse. A need to reconnect, but some degree of hesitation about doing it.
Part 4: Think about the last two questions. Put together the combination of whether yelling makes you think of some time or some place, and how the yelling makes you feel. But I don't WANNA!
Hm. This is probably over-simplifications, but when I'm out of control and yell, I feel like either a) I am parroting my dad's yelling, passing it right on down the line to my kids; or b) I'm letting my own anger about not being able to yell back at him boil over and be redirected at my kids.
Neither of which is fair. To anyone - my dad, me, or my kids.
I'm sure there's more meat on that bone, but I've got a whole month to explore it. So this'll be enough for today.
How're you coming along? I can already see a bit more thoughtfulness in my reactions (a BIT, I stress). You?