This post is over-due and there's a lot for me to get out. It's not going to be very cohesive because the last few days have been a polarization of personalities. What I mean is right now I feel there are two very different people inside of me. There's the Tamra that knows what's wrong and is trying to stay positive and motivate herself, but there's also the Tamra that is so incredibly frustrated, so pained, that she does not want to be or do what others expect of her. It's been a battle in my mind over the past few days and that can best be described with the songs I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis and Hey Soul Sister by Train.
Let me explain. Music for me is a release. Music is like poetry- I look to it to find the perfect representation of what I'm feeling. I look to it to uplift me, because somehow if I find the right lyrics, the right beat, it transforms my life and I'm taken to a different place. But there are times when I just feel so lost and afraid and alone that I look to it to commiserate with me.
On Wednesday I had my daily injections, but it was a very different visit. I was having such issues sitting leading up to the visit and quite literally could not get through my classes. I was in so much pain I had to stand, which I am still embarrassed to do. After a check up, we realized my obturator externus and obturator internus muscles were highly sensitive. When I say highly sensitive, I mean when Dr. Kellogg lightly touched them, I jumped off the table in pain. She decided to give me some injections deep into these muscles to try and help me sitting. During the first injection I broke down. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have broken down in doctor's offices, but once I started, I couldn't stop. It was because of the pain at first, but then as she continued, I couldn't help it. I looked at her and she was upset for me and understood everything. She said, "You're tired of this, aren't you?" That's exactly what it was. I am tired. I am broken down. I am defeated. I am tired of no answers and false hope and working hard and putting in the time, yet I get worse. After the four injections in the muscles she asked if I wanted to stop for the day because it was rough and painful and quite enough to go through. I told her might as well do the vaginal injections since I'm there. After those, we talked about much more aggressive treatment, since my muscles are some of the worst she's seen and she is very upset that nothing is working. So right after I graduate we'll be more aggressive, meaning I have to stay here the entire summer for treatment and PT. Fine. All my plans for the summer are ruined, but I understand that health comes first. Fine. But I was upset, so I collected myself after the appointment, waited for the bleeding to go down, then walked back to my car. Of course the one day I would have called a cab, I couldn't find one. Then I rushed back to school to go to staff meeting, and just blasted I Dreamed a Dream on repeat. I felt the same frustration Fantine sings about.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame...
I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living So different now from what it seemed Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
Now I understand that's not healthy and not the mindset I should be taking. So after my meeting, the other Tamra quickly took over and I started listening to Hey Soul Sister on repeat. And I listened to it for the next two days and that song is what kept me thinking positively. I started thinking about new plans for my summer- I couldn't do anything athletic, but there are other options. What books could I read? Could I do research with a professor, see old friends, get better at chess, finally learn to cook... I started to plan and found myself calmer and under control.
Fast forward to Thursday when I get a call from my doctor. You might remember him from a previous post as the one who thought I did not have a tear in my right hip and who thought I should be working out more to get in better shape and my pelvic issues shouldn't be a problem. Well, turns out I do have a tear in my right hip. And my MRI scan came back with a variety of other problems- I have a small tear in my pelvis, it's inflamed and there's fluid, etc. etc. The point being that I was right and that there are reasons for my pain.
I sent my MRI reports to my specialist, my PT, and my hip surgeon and I should be hearing back tomorrow if I'm going to need (yet another) hip surgery this summer or what the course of action is. I am going to get them all to communicate with one another so we can finally get on track. Please.
So right now I'm on the eve of finding out a lot of information (hopefully.) It's been a rough weekend. I did not feel like picking myself up anymore. I am sick and tired of things being wrong. I am 22 years old. I am supposed to be graduating in a matter of weeks. I am not supposed to be worrying about my health like this for another 40 years. Right, I know, I know. Self-pity is worthless. But I know these things and I Dreamed a Dream is still on repeat. I can't get my head out of this place right now. I just want a normal life. So desperately. I do not know what I am going to do about class tomorrow. I can't even fathom sitting for a little, not to mention five hours of class. I don't know. I am losing it. I am. I am sick of keeping it together. I know what is expected of me. I sat down and I tried to write my thesis this weekend because I just want to finish and turn something in that's representative of all my hard work these past months. But I just sit and I can't write. And then I can't sit. And I can't focus. And maybe that's partly because of the medicine I'm still on. But I just don't know. Too much has been thrown at me all at once and I just want graduation to be here and to walk and to be done. And at this point I don't even know how I'm going to do that.
I want to crawl into bed and not leave. I want to run away. I want to feel pain elsewhere because I am tired of feeling the same pain day after day. I want to stop asking for help. I want to stop needing the help. I feel so cold right now and shut off. I don't want to be social and there are very few people, if any, that I want to let in. I'm tired of hearing that I am a strong person and that I am going to get through it. I don't want to follow anyone's expectations anymore. I have emails waiting for me to answer that I feel incredibly guilty about. I want to be a role model, and I want to encourage people having similar experiences, but I can't be that person today. I want to lie here and I want to just... I am falling and I can't stop myself anymore.
I know how incredibly frustrating it is finding out you have more problems with your right hip now, but this may be a good thing! Once your other hip is better then your pain will hopefully go away.... Stay strong girl, thats all you can do.