I haven't been on here for a little while (as hopefully you will have noticed) and I've been hidden away from everything and everyone again. I entitled my last post ' the worst week ' but boy was I wrong. Things got much worse and I haven't been coping well at all.
I'm still in a lot of pain on a daily basis. Now, doing something on one day is regularly followed by a day of doing nothing. The pain and lack of energy mean I am house bound for a good 24hrs after any enjoyment. The sharp pains around my ovaries are agony and hurt like hell if I move my legs. Still. No matter how many tablets I take, the pain still shoots me down, usually when I am least expecting it. I can rest all day and the pain gets me or I can be busy all day and it gets me. I can't seem to win. Night time is the worst though. I just cannot get comfortable in bed at all now. Both hips ache with the pain and numbness and I spend a good portion of the night just trying to find a pain free position - let alone trying to switch off my mind. The twitching is now at another level too. I dread yawning because it makes my entire left side spasm. I woke during the night last week to find my whole face twitching too, which really wasn't fun. My chest has been hurting over the last few days as has my shoulder - all because of my diaphragm. And yeah, the wetting. The wetting is there all the time. It never let's up. If I'm not bleeding, I'm wetting. SOMEONE TAKE ME TO THE VETS AND GET ME PUT DOWN!!
My mind is a never ending roller coaster of incessant thoughts. It's keep me sad during the day, awake and worrying during the night. I just can't switch off. The higher dosage of Citalopram doesn't seem to have made any difference in my moods, though, I'm not as tearful. I think my body has ran out of tears for the time being though. I've spent most of the last 2 weeks just sobbing.
You might be wondering why I've hidden myself away in my emotional ball. Well, let me explain.
I can't go in to too much detail on the first point, other than, well, someone close to me has had something happen that's going to change their world forever and it's something that I've been trying so desperately hard for. The boy has been trying to support me through it but he has been upset too. It's been a tough old time for us both. But I'm trying my hardest not to be selfish and to be happy for this person. They know how I feel and understand why I am so sad. I can't really bang on about it much more than that. But my heart aches right now and there's only one thing that could take away that desperate longing.
Secondly, after a week of being more down than ever before, I received some great news through the post. Great meaning absolutely beyond f****** b******* (beep beep). Monday just gone, I received a letter from my lovely friends at the DWP (Department of Work and Pensions). Only a week or so after the last letter said I'd be getting around £2 more a week, this new letter said that basically, because I can lift my leg a few inches and lift a box I was never asked to lift, oh and because I can sit on my arse all day watching TV, I can work. Yes, you've got it - my ESA ( Employment and Support Allowance ) has now been stopped because I am 'fit for work'. I genuinely thought my assessment a few weeks back had gone well (for me). It was my first time out of the house since my operation , I still had stitches in and was still in recovery so things were very difficult. I was honest about everything, the same as I had been last time and told the lady exactly what I could and couldn't do. She saw what medication I was on and she saw the letters from the Prof. I couldn't have done any more to help my situation out. But the report I had back from the assessment states the exact opposite. In some parts it says I could do things (like pick up a cardboard box - which I wasn't even asked to do) and things I had stated in the assessment were written down as the complete opposite. The report basically says I'm a complete liar and I have no problems at all. Everything I said I had trouble with are mysteriously not on the report and things like my wetting problem - which you all know I have been suffering with for a good while now - are basically written off. I apparently don't wet enough to have to change clothes and I'm not having any treatment for it. Really? That's not what I said in the assessment. I had such a tough time with that assessment with it being my first time out and how much pain I was still in. I couldn't even find anything to wear because I couldn't have any leggings, skirts or trousers pulling tight on my tum. I had trouble walking in, trouble pulling out my chair, trouble opening the door getting out again. It's almost like the report is written about someone else. It hurts that someone would do that when you sit there, crying, and pouring your heart out. I am not a scab and if I could get back to work you all know I would. I am desperate to have that life back. I've worked bloody hard up until this all flared up last year and yet people think I am lying. This country really is amazing. Support those that lie but chuck those people out with the rubbish that need help the most. So now I have no money. I had my last payment last week. I have no way of paying any bills but I'm lucky enough to have the boy and my parents here to support me. Not that the DWP care. As far as they care, I can sort myself out. Well, thank you DWP. I am now up shite creek completely. No life, rubbish health and now no money. No money to even get the prescriptions I need.
I've been so very stressed out over everything. I really cannot see what I can do. I know I can appeal (another thing the DWP aren't moving their arses on - I called on Monday for the forms and they've still not arrived) but that's not only more stress, it's also going to put my family out again as someone will have to take time off work to take me over to Leicester for yet another assessment. I am just completely lost for words. I never thought someone could look at me and my situation and say there isn't anything wrong!... I blummin' wish!!!
So that's pretty much how the last few weeks have been. I've been in too much pain to really do anything. Just the odd wander around town. Not that I can afford anything now. I bought a record from the charity shop on Friday and felt guilty for 'wasting' £1.50 on that. The poor boy is having to spend his money on supporting both of us with food right now.
Well folks, that's my news. But you know, this blog and everything I've said above and ever before / felt / cried about / stressed about etc etc is a complete load of crap - according to the DWP of course.