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Yikes! Can we say Relapse?

Posted Oct 18 2008 9:33pm

I’m the first to admit I have a food "problem." For as long as I can remember I’ve been an "eater". One of those people that feels compelled to eat. I can easily grab a bag of chips and mindlessly knock it off. I have no problem putting down 5-6 slices of pizza. If there’s food at a party I’m all over it. And I never understood how they figure there’s 4 servings in a Ben & Jerry’s pint. Seriously, give me a spoon and I’m good.

I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I laugh at people who say things like "I can’t eat another bite, it’s just too rich." That’s never stopped me. It’s almost like I don’t have an fullness switch, not until I’m uncomfortable and sometimes I still eat past that point anyway. This is why the husband amazes me. I’ve never seen him overeat, not once. Don’t get me wrong, he’s far from healthy and he eats the worst crap but he has "the power" to stop. Something that I severely lack.

For the last three years I’ve accomplished more on the weight loss front then I ever imagined possible. I really thought I was just destined to be overweight my entire life. I’d have talks with myself, logically concluding that everyone has a vice, some people drink, some smoke, some do drugs. I eat. That was mine, is mine, and I have to learn to live with it.

Overall I have. Weight Watchers taught me a bit about portions and balance. I’ve learned to eat more fruits and veggies and to "bulk up" my meals so I still eat the volume of food I want, maybe need, but with much less calories and more nutrition. This has worked for me.

That’s a total understatement.

It’s WORKED WONDERS for me. I mean for God’s sake I’m a freakin’ size 6. ME! I don’t like to focus on size but geesh… I’m The girl that steadily increased her size from a 10 to a 16 from ages 12 through 29. The girl who was consistently the "chubby" one in her group of skinny High School friends. The girl who gained so much weight so fast in college she still has the stretch marks to show for it.

Yet I STILL struggle with the eating thing. STILL!

That’s why I’m so compelled to write this blog. Compelled to help and connect with anyone who is like me. I want to show them (and me) that it IS possible. I truly didn’t think it was until I did it myself.

But guess what, it’s not over. That’s the hard thing about weight loss and maintenance. Who am I kidding, that’s ONE of the billion hard things. But seriously, I did DO IT but it doesn’t end there. I didn’t reach my ideal body weight and stop. Everything didn’t just fall into place. It’s an ongoing battle. I will constantly be fighting and working with my drive to eat.

I will have days like today. Days where I eat like the old Roni. Day’s where I’m out of control because of a lack of preparation, or out of convenience, or because I’m stressed, tired, overworked, unhappy….. I can go on an on.

These days, however, happen a lot less often then they used to. I have experienced the feeling of satisfied. I know I like the way I feel when my diet is cleaner and much more controlled and I refuse to let a one day relapse get to me.

So I present to you my food journal. I’m writing this list out post fact so there’s probably more but it doesn’t matter. The point is I’m not hiding what I ate. I’m not pretending like it didn’t happen. I’m not even beating myself up over it. I’m just facing it and moving on. I’ve been feeling a bit down and out of control and today was a by-product of that. It’s not the other way around.

*deep breath* here goes…

  • 2 experimental chocolate muffins (may post recipe later)
  • an apple (at this points I was TRYING to prepare for the party by not going that hungry)
  • 2 and 1/2 slices of pizza, some veggies and a piece of chocolate cake at a kids party
  • Too many whole grain Wheat Thins (why do I buy these, I really can’t stop at a serving)
  • 3 slices of pizza (with all those greasy meats I usually avoid) at a kids halloween party plus Dorritos, candy corn, veggies, and ghost poop (mini marshmallows)
  • McDonald’s hot fudge sundae
  • extra crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken (don’t even ask how I ended up at 2 fast food restaurants today)
  • More Wheat Thins
  • Mike’s Hard Lemonade (I was watching Superbad while writing this and it made me want to drink for some odd reason. ;~P)

What’s that, ummmm about 55 points?

Again, not the end of the world, just a reminder to myself that this is a life long journey and I’m ready to make the hard choices because I feel so much better when I do and it’s TOTALLY worth it.


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