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Worst Case Scenario (Remember Whens-day)

Posted May 18 2011 4:00pm

I was in first grade at the time.  A young boy, brimming with potential, excitement, and a future that no one but he was in charge of!  At this point I was sure I was either going to be a great baseball player like role model and perennial all-star Daryl Strawberry, or a cop so that I could protect, defend, and eat donuts all day.  Even 20+ years later there is nothing that puts a bigger smile on my face than seeing a cop car at Dunkin Donuts.  I actually have a cop friend who says he goes a step further and insists on eating the donut right outside of his car at his favorite donut establishment chewing very slowly while the white powder goes fluttering all over him.  I think if I could ever capture a picture of that, it would win some kind of journalism award.

Bradford Pennyweather
“Even as a youth, hopes of being fat and disgusting were his dreams.  Not to be a cop to help people, no he wanted to join a profession to get the most doughnut, please note correct spelling, for his time worked.”

We are getting off topic though with our overly ambitious discussion of being a cop.  My favorite TV shows at the time were Different Strokes, GI Joe, The Transformers, The Snorks, The Smurfs, Alf, and a few others from the mid 80’s.  I enjoyed mostly music I heard from my parents’ old 45 records.  Some classics were “Shaddap your  face” by Joe Dulce.  This song, if memory serves correct, was one guy yelling at someone else that they were being obnoxious, all the while being obnoxious himself. “Keep on Trying” by some Disney singers.  This was a song about someone that always lost at everything, and instead of giving up, they advised the person to keep on going so that the winners in life would have someone to beat continually.  It’s kind of like when people ask “Why are the Royals still in Major League Baseball?” and the obvious answer is that the Red Sox need really bad teams in the league so that people can appreciate how good they are.  This song pretty much said, “Hey, you may be a loser, but there can’t be a winner without someone like you so you’re not completely useless.”.  The final song I remember listening to all the time at this young and impressionable age was the live version of “My Dingaling” by Mr. Chuck Berry.  Oh I would scream the chorus at top volume when it was appropriate!  Tee Hee Hee!!!!!

Kurtis Lort:
“Any man over the age of 5 that says Tee Hee Hee should be shot on sight.”

I’m not sure I really had any favorite movies at this age, probably some Disney garbage I’d imagine, but nothing that has stuck with me decades later.  Well other than when they had a TV commercial that was a contest of who could say the names of the 7 dwarves the fastest, and I had to prepare myself incase someone with a camera and a microphone came up to me at random and told me “GO!”.

 Anyway, now that we have an appropriate background, lets get on with it.  As we know, one of the strategic advantages of being in first grade is that you have a bathroom in the same room as your class.  You almost felt like an executive as you had this exclusive wash room with all the necessary amenities of home.  Yes, you really were somebody in 1st grade!

One afternoon after “Mexican day” around 2:00 PM I had to go potty.  Of course, like someone that had never been traumatized in the bathroom before, I raised my hand and started screaming about what I needed to do and that it’s an emergency.  However, I didn’t realize at the time what a HUGH mistake this was and how it would change my life forever!

So I went into the bathroom that had no lock for “Safety” reasons and got straight to work.  It couldn’t have been more than 30 seconds when I realized my tactful error of making my intentions known to the entire class.  I had accidentally alerted well known 1st grade degenerate Jacob Snailey (Name slightly changed) to the fact that someone was going to be at their most vulnerable and unable to effectively resist any form of vicious onslaught.  I’ll never forget what happened next!  Like the cops kicking violently bashing down a drug dealer’s door he plowed in with reckless abandon!  He then said “EWWWW IT SMELLS IN HERE!!” to which I heard everyone, including the teacher laughing at me and my stink!  Next he farted, while laughing hysterically!  He then spit on me as I was screaming and crying hysterically.  Like the brave guy he was, he jovially ran away as I just had to sit there in all of my shame sobbing in what I always thought was supposed to be “The happiest Place on Earth”.

1st Life Lesson Learned: Don’t ever let degenerates know when you have to go #2
2nd Life Lesson Learned: Any bathroom door without a lock will lead to suffering.

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