My question to myself today is why do I feel this way? The way I felt yesterday and the way I'm feeling again today, full of anxiety and not sure why. I know part of it had to do with weigh-in last night and knowing I would have a gain (ended up 3.8 lbs). But I also think it had to do with me voicing my new goal of wanting to be TOPS Maryland queen. It was that old anxiety feeling and my internal voices saying "you're not going to be able to do it by end of December" and "why did you tell everyone?". Yet on the surface I put on my usual happy determined face.
I went to therapy yesterday and instead of talking about the anxiety I had been feeling all day I put on that happy face again and told him all about the crappy house and stomach issues, and nephew issues but yet I really wasn't talking about how I was really feeling inside. I was putting on that "making the best of it" face and not really facing myself.
So last night I went to my TOPS meeting and I did my motivational speech about everyone reaching for the stars and wanting a crown for themselves and on and on. Then there was a moment when one of the ladies talked about us starting a blog. Hubby kept hitting my leg with his leg under the table signaling me this was my time to tell them about my blog but I just couldn't. I didn't want them to read all this. I've kept this to myself. At times I've thought about trying to hide it better, changing the email it's attached to or making it private. But really what is here that would be so terrible to have a friend or family member read? I guess I try in real life to hide the turmoil that still lives inside of me sometimes but here I really do try to face it.
I keep asking myself why do I live in such fear sometimes about things I have no control over. Sure I have control over eating right and exercise, living in the moment, making the best of things. But there is plenty I don't have control over. I also know that the old fat girl in me will always be there and I don't have to sooth her with food anymore. I can take her for a walk, show her the bay, have her breath easy in the new body we have now. I guess I just want to really be different 100%. But really I know I'm not 2 separate people I'm just me. I'm still that Dawn from years ago I'm just trying to make her better, more self assured, more healthy, more happy, more ...... LIVING.
I don't ever want to go back. I also don't want to live in fear of it though. Sure most days I really am content and happy and feeling mentally well. But I still have days of feeling overwhelmed and full of anxiety and silly fears that make no sense. I wish I just understood why better.
Anyway, I'm just rambling today. Trying to sort myself out by putting it all down in words. As for yesterday, I never had anything out of the candy bowl but I did seem to eat my way through the evening. I ended up eating my apple and then I had some low fat popcorn here at work. Then after I got home from TOPS I made myself some stir fry, then ate a bowl of fiber one cereal with 1/2 a banana, had a serving of fruit cocktail, a sugar free fudgeciscle, 100 calorie bag of popcorn, some laughing cow cheese, serving of crackers and turkey and to top it off a handful of nuts for a grand total of 2400 calories for the day so not super terrible but what I would call the now Dawn binge. Definitely better than the old Dawn binge but still out of control anxiety eating. Today I'm feeling a bit better but still feeling anxious and worried about what I'll do. I've not had any candy from the bowl here at work and I know as long as I don't take that first piece I'll be ok with that. Only an hour to go. My plan is to go to the gym with hubby and spend 60 mins doing cardio (treadmill and elliptical probably) then come home shower and make the chicken I have out for dinner and try to just relax. Maybe have some hot tea with milk too. The girl asked me today when we were going to go kayaking and I said maybe this weekend. I think I need a day out on the water. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. At least it's Friday.