After deciding that I was not going to weigh myself this week due to the Easter sugar fest, I caved in this morning and weighed ! The mind games all started yesterday at the gym. I had a session with Clive, my trainer. He normally weighs me once a month and he reminded that next week will be my week to weigh in.
Ever since then I have been obsessing. Usually when he weighs me I am fairly confident it has been a good month but this past month has been slow weight loss for me, coupled with the fact that Easter just happened, so I instantly became a nervous heap! I felt like I needed to know where I stand today so that I know just how hard I have to work this week. I weighed 181.7lbs. That's about a 2lb gain so not too bad but still gotta work hard to make up some ground.
The thing is I am well aware of the reality that I have probably not lost much since last month's check in with him and I am fine with that because I know the reasons behind it. What I am nervous and afraid about is that he will find out it hasn't been a great month! I feel like I will be letting myself down in front of him. So far I have always been a great client, losing plenty of pounds and inches and I don't want his opinion of me to change.
He thinks I am strong, determined, ambitious, unstoppable and heck, he even has the numbers to prove it but I am not sure I think I am any of these things. And you know what?! I need to keep him thinking that. I need it for my own motivation. I always feel like I can be all of those things when I am there training with him, it keeps my head in the game at every session and helps me to work harder and harder. I am afraid that he will see my poor numbers this month and think I am weakening. I totally rely on his perception of me to keep me motivated. Does that even make sense?
Everyone else in my life has seen me fail. Seen me get bigger and bigger. He has only ever seen me get smaller. His perception of me, is the part of me I need to grow. I need to become stronger, more and more determined, unstoppable in order to reach my goals. In order to self improve the way I want to.
It is crazy how this person who was a stranger just a few months ago can play such a huge part in my success. I guess I just gotta work triple hard this week to get that loss for the month as big as I can, anything else...is out of my control.