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When Hope Is Gone

Posted Jul 22 2011 12:00am
Okay, so I lost 4 pounds since I last posted. That would be 4 pounds in 4 days. But I'm not happy. I did that by sticking with mostly protein. Even with some major cheats I managed to lose because I had just gained that weight this last month. So I lost. What aren't I happy?

Here's why; I cant get fully on board. I don't know what is holding me back. I have 12 more pounds before I weigh what I did before I lost 50 pounds in 2008. As I watch the weight creep back I just feel frantic. I feel scared. I wasn't heavy in my twenties and thirties. Then I had a baby at 40 and went all through my forties as obese. Now here I am beginning my fifties and I'm still overweight. I don't want to go another10 years overweight. Sometimes when I stop and think about my weight it just scares me to death.  What sort of old age diseases am I going to have because I'm not losing the weight.

I wish there was a way to lose it that was fast yet sensible. I'm not even talking fast, as in, 50 pounds gone in two months. I'd just be happy to lose 5 - 8 pounds a month consistently! I have to do something. Yes, I've lost. But I don't feel like jubilantly declaring that I am on my way. I don't feel on my way. I feel like I lost that four pounds be default or something. There just has to be an answer.

You all would flip if you know how healthy I really do eat; eggs straight from the farm, chickens butchered with the help of my own hands, ketchup, relish, salsa, spaghetti sauces, all kinds of berries, herbs, sweet pickles, dill pickles, green beans, broccoli, cabbage, bread....all made with my own hands. All veggies grown in my own organic garden. I'm not eating all the fast food and prepared foods like most of America. I can only figure that I am taking in too many calories. Input is exceeding output.

I wish I could do medifast or something like that and then just stay on it until I had this weight off. I wish I didn't have to think about food preparation and eating. Life would be so much easier. But I do have to think about it!

I sit here in front of my computer tonight with all optimism gone...nothing ahead ,but a life of obesity, out of whack insulin and candida. Did I tell you my candida is out of control right now?
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