To be honest, I am pretty happy that it is Monday - this weekend SUCKED (understatement.)
I won't really get into details about all the little crappy stuff that happened (like that I went to 4 different farmer's markets but was too overwhelmed and left empty-handed every time.) Just take it from me, I am so thankful today is Monday so I can "reset."
So, I've been getting so many supportive texts, emails, FaceBook messages, and tweets about my weight loss and some of you are still skeptical about whether or not I am actually "human." Well, if you needed proof that I am not "perfect" (at least with my weight-loss journey) you are in luck.
I am, in fact, human. I screwed up. I have a problem. I can admit it.
Saturday I was running around, it was hot, it was humid, and I was thirsty. So, after 7 months you would think I reached for my water bottle right?
I bought 2 ice-cold diet-sodas from the store.
I think the only reason I bought them is because they were in the refrigerated case. The thing is they had bottled waters right next to the soda. Why did I buy the soda?
Ok, not the end of the world right?
Well, that is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
When I got home, I cut up a fresh cantaloupe, put my serving on the scale weighed it and proceeded to eat. When I was done, I went back and ate the rest of that half.
This is where it went downhill. . . I purposely didn't log/track the second serving. I don't know why. Maybe I felt like it was fruit so eating more was ok. Maybe I felt like if I didn't log it, I didn't eat it.
I don't know.
Wait. . . it gets worse.
After my second portion of cantaloupe, I went back into the fridge, unwrapped the other half and ate that entire half. I ATE A WHOLE CANTALOUPE IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES!
Now I know what you are saying. . . "at least it was fruit, it could have been worse."
Bad news. It DID get worse.
Saturday night we stopped of at my parent's house to run an errand. My sisters were there and planning on going out to eat - they asked Tim and I to join them. I looked at Tim and he looked excited. (Keep in mind it was 8pm, he had worked all day, was starving, and hasn't eaten out in 7 months.)
We agreed to go and then I heard them say we were going to Applebee's.
F! I hate Applebee's. I've had issues with them in the past because they refuse to disclose nutritional information.
I started out with good intentions. I ordered a water.
From there, everything exploded.
I was looking at the under 550 calories menu and the Weight Watchers options. I ended up ordering the Orange Chicken Bowl (which was on neither of those "healthier options' menus.")
My meal was actually really delicious. Chicken in orange sauce atop rice pilaf, with broccoli, onions, bell peppers, and other veggies.
Now the bad news, besides also eating a few fork-fulls of my sister's Caesar side salad, my meal ended up being 4 portions totaling over 1,880 calories, 13g of fat, 229 carbs, 56.5g protein, AND 4250mg sodium.
KILL ME NOW!
In my head, I was pissed. At myself. I slipped up. Luckily I hadn't eaten much else besides the cantaloupe and soda beforehand BUT it is no excuse.
Then comes Sunday. I wake up, make a fruit smoothie, log it, and go on with my day. We are so busy running around we don't stop to eat till dinner. Then I make a humongous taco salad. I measure all the ingredients but cheat and add some here and there. I double some portions and add a few more dollops of sour cream there. I take the whole bad of tortilla chips to the table and don't log ANY of it.
What am I doing?!
Well, folks. . . the story gets even worse.
So, I am sitting on the couch watching The Office and I look at the clock. It says 11:51pm. I'm about ready to go to bed and then my brain says "Wow, you really f-ed up this weekend, hey? Well, you have 9 minutes to eat what you want before you are back on plan tomorrow."
So naturally I tell my brain to shut up and I go to bed.
I get up from the couch, race to the kitchen, grab a green tea soft drink, 2 bags of Baked Lays, a Deep Chocolate VitaTop, and 4 pieces of string cheese. It's a race against the clock. As I emptied the last of the chip crumbs into my mouth, the clock struck midnight. (What a horrible Cinderella story this is.) I grabbed all the garbage/evidence, threw it in the garbage and went to bed.
The real kicker. . . I wasn't even hungry to begin with.
WHOA! What happened here?
Last week I was celebrating 100 lbs lost, this week I am wallowing in my sorrows over binging.
Did I get too comfortable? Did I think I was invincible?
Obviously, it is clear that I REALLY DO have issues with food. I think there is a bit of A.D.D. and O.C.D. tendencies combined in my struggle too.
Well, at least I can admit 2 things. One, I have a problem and two, I am human.
I am not perfect, I do have bad days, weekends, and weeks.
This week is about starting over (again!) It's about keeping control and being the boss of my own body. It's about maintaining my sanity and about not letting food control me.