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Wanting To Eat

Posted Oct 07 2012 9:31pm
Some days are just harder than others.  Today I've found myself wanting to eat all day.  I know it's because tomorrow after work I head up the road to Baltimore to my mom's so I can take her for her bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday morning.  I feel nervous for her and keep worrying we won't really get any answers.  But I will ask the doctor a few questions and hope I will feel more "clued" in about how she's doing.  

My hips have been hurting today from my long walk yesterday, I need to learn to stretch better.  Mike never got in a long walk this weekend but has been putting in miles at the gym but after missing several long walks I feel worried about how he will feel after the half next week.  I had already decided I would just regular walk with him so I doubt I will have any hip pain afterwards at least.  It's the racewalking that makes the hips hurt sometimes. 

Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym in the morning.  Still not sure if I will take the class or just walk the treadmill.  Last week I went all 4 mornings but only took 2 classes because I wanted to put in more miles walking.  With the gym having the class challenge going on I must admit I'm feeling a bit less thrilled over the classes.  I guess I still have social issues that go on with me even after all this time.  I know doing it anyway is what will help with that.  So I'll see how I feel in the morning.  

I did some cooking today for the week so hopefully going to have a good week with food.  The weight is back up though.  I really do think that when I'm having a lot of anxiety my body holds on to everything I put in my mouth.  So tomorrow I'm really going to do my best to relax and not get myself stressed out.  Thing is though I have to get my drawing done at work and have promised it for tomorrow so will have to really try to stay focused on work which last week didn't go all that well.  Seems like I'm like a wave up and down with my emotions these days.  Sometimes it's very frustrating when one day I'm feeling on top of the world and the next I'm feeling like I'm in a hole.  I wish I could find balance easier later.  I know it's just different things on my mind and I'm letting it affect me.

I had thought about trying to see my niece before heading back home Tuesday but I've decided not to.  I haven't talked about it but I texted with her a few weeks ago and some of the things she said really bugged me and I feel like I'm tired of making all the effort with her.  She hasn't been to our house in 3 yrs now and if I didn't make the effort I don't think I'd see her at all.  So for now I'm just going to see if she will eventually make the effort.  

I think a big part of my hurt feelings are more directed at my sister (Kevin's mom) though as I guess I didn't realize she didn't want to see me and has actually made Amber choose in situations where I think it's wrong like her baby's 1st Birthday which I wasn't invited too and I had wondered why, now I know.  I guess I just hoped I would be able to know the baby but if my sister is going to do her best to not have that happen and she's currently free daycare there's not much I can do.  Sure bugged me though that when I went up to help my niece move she was fine with choosing us over her mom because it benefited her best.  Anyway, just hurts me since we use to be so close. 

Anyway, way to many things on my mind that I have no control over.  I wish the mind was easier and you could just adjust it with a turn of a knob "happy, joyful, carefree, excited, etc" wouldn't that be cool lol we'd all feel on top of the world all the time :)

I had to come back and write one more thing.  My goal for my time with my mom is to be happy with her, to find the humor in things like we use to.  We use to be the type that had that warped sense of humor where you could fall down and hurt yourself but still find a way to laugh together about it.  I'm not going to preach or give opinions I'm just going to be with her and try to find happiness being with her.

Till next time...
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