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Up in the Air

Posted Jan 11 2010 12:00am
Hey guys. So it's one in the morning and I can't sleep. The anxiety has been acting up, and I don't really know what to do with it. It's like my brain is clogged up with worry. I am stressed, big time.

Everything revolves around money. I don't know how I am going to pay off my student loans right now. I am working for a company that is in the shitters, so I'm not even sure when I'm going to get my next paycheck. I might be teaching in Korea, but I am worried that I won't have enough money for the start up cost (airfare, first month's living expenses etc.) Things are pretty bad right now. I cannot believe I am sharing all of this. I'm not even drunk.

What's more frustrating is my inability to get out of this rut. Every day I tell myself I'm going to work hard at getting stuff on my to-do list done, but I just have no motivation whatsoever. I have to study for my personal training examination, as well as a grammar test for the teaching position in Korea. It's imperative that I do well on both of these, ESPECIALLY the grammar test, because if  I don't pass it, I can't teach. Obviously, my grammar needs work, so I should be studying this stuff  for my own good anyway. I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it depression, laziness, or a combination of both? I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it's eating at me, and I feel like I'm gasping for air. 

I didn't used to be like this. I actually cared about doing well in school and finding a good job - you know, being successful at life. But now, as stupid as it sounds, I feel kind of hollow.  Yeah, losing weight has been great. It's the one thing in life that I'm really happy about right now. Well, that, and cooking. Everything else is a wash.

Ugh, I fucking hate writing depressing shit like this SO OFTEN. I absolutely hate it. But, this is what I am going through, and this is my life. So, I guess, I'll leave it at that. I am probably going to regret posting this tomorrow (later today really), but here goes nothing...
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