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Posted Jan 07 2010 7:06am
Sometimes I just feel unsure of myself. As I typed that I wondered exactly what does that mean. So I looked the word up and low and behold what came up:

diffident: lacking self confidence

uncertain: lacking or indicating lack of confidence or assurance, "uncertain of his convictions"; "unsure of himself and his future"; "moving with uncertain (or unsure) steps"; "an uncertain smile"

Lacking confidence, conviction or determination, uncertain of the facts; unstable or precarious.

That is very much me sometimes. A lot less now than it use to be but still sometimes I have that "unsure about myself" feeling. I do think I still lack self confidence. I don't think I lack determination or I'm uncertain of the facts but sometimes I do feel unstable or precarious. I have fear my crazy brain (as Dana calls it) will take over and lead me down a road of not caring.

For a good portion of my journey I was fear driven. I had fear of going forward but more fear of going back so I kept pushing myself. Now my fear is more about self exceptance and self confidence. It's also about knowing this is for life. It's scares me to death to think I will worry about every piece of food I put in my mouth from this point on. I try to remind myself that before starting this journey I still had fears and still worried myself over silly things. My health definitely isn't silly so really focusing on eating well shouldn't fill me with fear. It should just be like anything else I have to do, something for my list of daily chores. I just wish it didn't have so much emotion tied to it.

You brush your teeth everyday, you shower, you dress you put on your shoes. None of those things bring emotion but food it brings a flood of emotion. It's like music, you hear a certain song and it brings back memories. Thing with music is it can't pack 10 lbs on your hips lol.

I just want to be sure. Sure that I will continue doing what I need to do to keep the weight off. But when you think about it nothing is really sure in life. So it's about having faith. Some of my meeting last night was on having faith, faith in myself. Faith that I can and will do what I need to for the rest of my life.

Man, I'm blah today and I hate being this way. I also feel like I could eat the candy bowl here at work. I did have a piece today but it's my first piece in probably 6 weeks so I'm doing ok. I just don't want another night like last night. Tonight is gym night though so I'm hopeful that will help.

We have another woman coming tonight to look at the cottage. I asked a few questions on the phone though and don't think she's the one for us. I think if we got a renter that would help with how I've been feeling lately. I hate uncertainty not to mention less money lol.

Till tomorrow...
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