This past weekend has been really amazing, for many, many reasons.
I’ve made a lot of admissions, to myself, and then out loud to my hubby. And I have made some really important decisions.
I’m throwing my scale away.
Now, before you roll your eyes and assume this is just the fat girl taking over and allowing myself to stay where I am – hear me out.The stress of reaching a certain weight was NOT motivating me toward my goal. It was pushing me further away. It was leading to the eating of junk and binge mindset. It was leading to the mindset of numbers over health. When I was weighing myself in 4-5 times a day last week, I knew there was something wrong.Do you ever have thoughts that sit in the back of your mind? Truths – that you ignore? You ignore them because you KNOW if you bring them to the forefront, you will have to deal with them. If you bring them to the forefront, they will be reality, and maybe you aren’t sure how to deal with that – so you leave them there. This happened with my first fiancé. I got engaged after dating for 4 years. My family despised him. And frankly, the only reason it happened was because it was the logical next step. But, when it happened – the first thought in the back of my mind? “We are never going to get married. You don’t really want this”. But I ignored it for a while. Thankfully, I came to my senses and broke it off. I even sent him the ring back (aren’t I sweet?). I can’t imagine how my life would be today if I has not allowed that truth to come forth. That’s what happened to me this weekend. I brought forth truths that I have been ignoring.Sugar and binge food and junk do NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ANYMORE. I don’t WANT to eat crap to mask whatever it is I ACTUALLY need. I ate crap on Friday – because that’s what you are SUPPOSED to do in a blizzard, right? It’s the PERFECT excuse! No one would blame you! Just do it! Who cares!Saturday morning, we got up and we were covered with 3 ft of snow. But no worries – there are snacks in the house! But I stopped a moment. What do I REALLY want for breakfast? Hmmm… oatmeal with blueberries sounded good. I added an egg white to the mix, and some peanut butter. It was very tasty. I started thinking about food, eating… what do I really want here? I started bringing forth some truths – I have been thinking that sugar could be causing, or at least exacerbating, my face breaking out, and the sores I sometimes get in my mouth (strangely enough, usually after a sugar episode). But saying that out loud would mean I would have to take responsibility for it. Fake sugar gives me the WORST gas ever… I know it does, but I kept it in the back of my mind. If I admitted it, I would have to get rid of it for good. I dug deeper. I really, really LIKE eating clean. I feel SO GOOD when I eat clean foods, and I eat when I am hungry. I really enjoy cooking meals for me and my family. I love knowing exactly what’s in the food I am eating, and the food I am feeding my children. I mean, you all have heard it before – but it’s really become a lifestyle – just the way we do things now. So, WHY would I not just do it all the time?Because I am afraid. Or, I WAS afraid.Afraid of how I would cope without that little part of me that says “it’s ok, just eat the junk today. Tomorrow you’ll be back on track. You won’t gain weight. It will be fine”… the part that spoke these words when I am upset, tired, bored, happy, stressed – whatever. Without that – how would I deal with those other things? By dealing with them. That is going to be a work in progress. But this weekend, if I felt any inkling – I would stop – ask myself what I was really feeling (boredom reigned supreme, of course) and dealt with it. Acknowledging all these little thoughts in the back of my head means a lot of work. It means taking responsibility. We were snowed in until yesterday. I ate clean the whole time. There is junk in the house (well, not anymore, I chucked it last night while cleaning) and I wasn’t even tempted by it. I don’t want it. The stress of being a certain weight by a certain time is gone. I am not weighing myself at all. I am continuing my exercise. I am eating clean, and eating when I am hungry. I am focusing in health goals. NOT WEIGHT GOALS. Pushing myself in workouts, following clean eating principles. Getting to an unassisted pull-up, pushing my dead-lifting, working my core. I can just FEEL that this is different. I feel so calm about it. There is no “deadline”, there is no “Day # Whatever” There is no “Challenge Mode”. It’s all just normal, everyday clean eating. Eating for fuel. Workout out my body because it feels good. I woke up with morning and I was stinkin’ starving! Normally, I would wait, come into work, and have my Ezekiel toast with PB. This morning, I made my oatmeal with blueberries and egg white. Very yummy, good fuel and NO temptations to drown the hungry feeling with tons of coffee or who knows what else. I listened. I ate. Felt good. Moved on. My Ezekiel toast and PB became my snack. No obsession. No worries about eating oatmeal and toast in the same day (OH NO!). This kind of thinking would lead me to the “I’ve already screwed it up today, so who cares” thinking. Relax. Eat clean. Train hard. Be happy.