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The Voice(s) Inside Me: it's ok no one will know...

Posted Aug 28 2009 12:00am

This will prove to be the most emotionally raw post I have ever posted. It may even be hard to stomach. I may lose readers, I may not...but this blog started out for me, for me to keep track of where I've been. I want to be able to look back on today and not go there again. Please fill free to leave a comment, but remember, there's a human being on the other side of this screen.
.........................

I has driving home from Zumba tonight, and it was such a great workout, hubby was out of the house with our 4 yr. old. They'd stopped for dinner before heading out, so I only had to worry about myself.
-Chicken and Black Bean salad sounds good for dinner.
I get home, the house is spotless, I love coming home to a clean house, not a dish in the sink, not a toy out of place.
I call hubby to see how things are going. I ask if he wants me to go join them...what was I thinking.
"Just let me change and I'll be on my way"
"Ok hun, I'll see you then"
-Crap, I'm starving, and I have to change.
-There's left over pizza in the fridge.
I love cold pizza, warmed just enough to take the chill off.
I had to slices...that should have been enough.
-Oh, just have a 3rd one.
I notice a bottle of SlimQuick on the counter, I rush to grab it, in a hurry to get them in my system to catch up to the 3rd slice....the box is empty
(yes I occasionally take slimquick, a post for a later time)
-Crap, I've already eaten 3 slices...I should've had chicken and black beans...
I hate when it feels like my eating has been counter productive with my workouts.

Today someone complemented me on my will power, as I reached for a fork on a table full of chocolate, so that I could eat my pineapple...they have no idea.
-it's ok, no one will know.
I can't eat like this...
-I know how to fix it.
-Well if you can fix it, have a 4th piece...it won't matter, it'll be ok.
So I shoved another piece in my face.

I took to huge drinks out of a 2-liter of Sierra Mist, hoping the bubbles would help.
Took a minute to gather my thoughts.
-I don't have time...just take care of it.
I rushed to the bathroom and hurriedly reached for my toothbrush, and started to brush my teeth. I didn't put any tooth paste on it, because I wasn't really worried about my teeth, and I scrubbed my teeth in a hurry I brushed the far back of my tongue...only it wasn't far enough.
-Crap
-It's ok, try again...(sadly this is what I tell my 4 yr old when he's trying to accomplish something).
I try harder...all I get is a burb.
I try over and over and all I get is saliva and more burbing.
-It'll come, keep trying.
And I do...but it's taking to long...and by now the voice of reason kicks in...
-You need to stop

-Keep trying...
and I do
but it never comes, it seems like I've been in there for 5 minutes or so, if it hasn't happened by now maybe it won't happen.
-but I had four slices...it has to happen.

By now I've taken to long...between the time it took me to eat, try to 'fix it' and change, I have spent to much time. My husband will know I didn't head right out the door.
-I need a cover

"Hey hun...I'm gonna be a little longer, I'm kind sweaty still so I'm gonna take a shower and then head out"
"Ok, are you ok?"
"yeah I'm fine"
"you sound rushed"
"no I'm ok"
"are you doing something, what are you doing"
"ummmm....nothing I'm fine"
Only after 10 years of marriage, you know the tone behind "nothing I'm fine" is really something.
"ummmm...it just tried something"
"are you ok, what's going on"
"ummm...I just, no it's ok...nothing...I'm ok...I can't...I just....*sigh*I just tried to make myself throw up"
"why"
"I gotta go, I need a shower"

I stood there, trying to make myself clean, cuz I knew what I had tried to do was wrong and dirty.

I coughed...and spit out what little saliva came up with that, there's blood...
I keep spitting on the shower floor...more blood...I do this over and over, much like my failed attepts....
The blood is faint and it finally stops...I stand under the hot water waiting for this horrible feeling to go away.
I can't believe I did that...
-It's ok, you didn't really do it
-Just learn from you're mistakes
-It's ok....
-Everyone makes mistakes
-You have to come clean...
-You can't be doing this...
-This can't start happening...again
yes again, this is something that I struggled with in high school, then friend found out, and asked me, begged me, pleaded with me not to do it...it wasn't healthy and it wasn't good for me...I did it...for them.
I need to not do it again-but this time for me.

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