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The post you almost didnt see

Posted Dec 15 2011 12:00am
I started this post on the 12th, I didnt want to publish that I was starting to count calories but it all seemed so pointless. But now I realize that I need the support of the blog world. So here are my thoughts from the last several days.

It's December 12 and I am going to count calories to lose this weight. I am allowing myself 1500 calories a day. This is going to be hard but I have to do this. I am scared that my weight will kill me long before my time. It is also very embarrassing to get up off the floor or out of a ran down couch. I can barely pull myself up anymore. I hate that I have regained the 50 pounds I have lost. The scale said 252.2 this morning. That's right where I was in 2008 when I started losing. By the fall of 2010 I had seen 202 on the scale. From then on I just climbed right back up. I was only 3 pounds from onederland. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I get scared like that? I'm not going to publish this entry. It's going into draft. After I lose some weight I will publish this. Even the idea of letting everyone else see yet another weight loss attempt, just sickens me. I hate being fat. I see all these huge people at walmart and I never want to get that huge. I will if I don't stop this right now. I must make good choices. I have to do this. I have to lose this weight. There is just no way around it. The time is now!

December 13 Well I weighed 253.2 today. That is up a pound in spite of the fact that I tracked every calorie. I think its because I actually drank several glasses of water. I ordered a cal pal from Amazon. You put your calories in and it keeps track of them every day. I love it. it works like a charm. Now I don't have to make sure I have my paper there all the time to write on. Today I have 170 calories left over. Hopefully the water weight will be gone by morning.

December 14 Success at last. The scales budged. It showed 250.8 this morning. I need to quit weighing every day but for now that is my motivation. later the pounds off and the way I feel will become my motivation, but for now its all about the scale. I can barely put one foot in front of the other in this diet saga so I need the feedback from the scales. I had several pieces of See's candy last night. I  hate when that happens. I want my weight loss to be coupled with no sugar. Sugar is my enemy. I was thinking this morning about publishing this post today, but I'm still too vulnerable. I don't want you all to think, "here she goes again with another false start." I want to have some weight lost so I don't sound like I'm off my rocker here. Its gets so tiring to read of one weight  loss attempt after another of bloggers who are just messing around. These private entries are my way of sparing you the pain. if I actually lose this time these will get posted, otherwise they will stay in draft forever. I'm going to try and have a wonderful on plan day today.

December 15 Weighed 248.8 this morning. So happy. I'm worried though because I'm going to an out of town tournament with my daughter today. I wont get back until tomorrow. I need to be sure and eat right at the tournament. its so hard to make healthy choices away from home.

I thought that I would be writing this for at least a month before I made it public, but for some reason tonight I am feeling like publishing it. Maybe I will. It might help me keep on plan at the tournament.
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