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The Butterfly

Posted Aug 04 2011 1:25am
So God came up to me and said “You can replay 2011 but only if you go back to being 420 pounds”. I looked at him and said “Sorry God, I was just squeezing into my size 60 pants….what did you say?”

If only it were that easy…..

July 5th started off like any normal day for me. I got up around 4am to go workout. The workout was really good, so I stayed a little longer at the gym. I got home and started to do a little work around the house.

It actually was a special day. My wife was nineteen weeks pregnant. We were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Once we found out, I was going to blog about it.

When we got to the doctor’s office, we were off for a sonogram. The heart beat was great, but the baby was being fussy. It was hard for the nurse to get a read on the baby, so she could not tell us the sex of the baby. All of the sudden she said…

“The baby’s fluid is low”

We asked if we should be concerned. She was a little hesitant in answering. She said it was something to be aware of and the doctor might send us to the hospital to have it checked out.

My wife was shaking a little. I told her everything would be fine. We were in the second trimester. The baby had a great heartbeat.

Tears started to roll down the side of my wife’s face. I told her to wait for the doctor and not get worked up.

The doctor came in. He is very straight forward. That is what we like about him. He delivered our first baby. We have known him for years.

He was looking at our chart and started to mumble “Man….this is so rare. I mean, wow…um…”

Then he got clear…

“Guys, this is not your time. Your baby will not make it. You need to go to the hospital”

I was confused. I did not understand.

“Wait…what? Is there anything we can do?”

“No, there is not enough fluid for your baby to survive. It needs the fluid to grow. Your baby has days to live.”

“I mean, can’t you put fluid in there?”

I did not know, I just wanted some solution, not the one he gave us.

“NO! It does not work like that. I am so sorry, so sorry.”

So my wife and I sat there is horror and shock. Like a bad dream.

What was supposed to be a very special day turned into the worst possible day for us. A good friend of the family watched our son and my wife and I went to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 2:30. I know this because we got stuck in downtown Orlando traffic. We got stuck because they were about to announce the Casey Anthony verdict. That is what people were concerned about. Casey Anthony.

When we got to the hospital, we were put on the ninth floor. That is where high risk pregnancies were. The hospital we went to is called Winnie Palmer, which specializes in pregnancies. We had our son there. Now we were going to lose our child there.

No one can prepare you for something like this. We saw so many different doctors who had different philosophies. Yet, they all said that our baby would not survive. Not one of them gave our baby a chance. If one said there was a chance…..a glimmer of hope, we would have done anything to same the baby. Anything. Yet, like the doctor told us, it was not our time.

My wife and I were in the hospital for four days. Four days of sadness. Four days of uncertainty. Four days of surgery. Four days of compassion.

The nurses there were wonderful. Because they have seen people lose children before, they knew what to say.

Yet, who really knows what to say.

We tried to make the most of it. We asked if we could donate any organs. At nineteen weeks, we were not able to. At nineteen weeks, the baby was too small to be in ICU.

This is not supposed to happen at nineteen weeks!

When I would walk into our room at the hospital, I noticed that we had a butterfly on the door. That shows the nurses and doctors that we lost a child. So they do not go in and yell “Congratulations!” Yet, at that point, anything would offend us.

We lost the baby. It was not our fault. There is no reason for it.

I am an accountable person, so in some ways I wish there was a reason. There was no reason. Just like the doctor said,it was not out time.

I was never angry. I was just sad. My wife and I really wanted this baby. We love children. It was the main reason I lost 221 pounds. It is the main reason I will keep off the weight.

It had been a month now, and the surgery scars are getting better. There are good days and bad days.

This is a very hard post to write, because I am actually a very private person. But I want as many people to read this as possible. Not only will it help me, but it will help others.

Like it on Facebook, Tweet it, and please comment on it. Believe it or not, this must happen more than I think it does.

My wife and I were talking, and I told her that we can not be alone in this. The reason I blog about not being able to do normal functions when I was 420 pounds is because there is someone who will read it and will not feel alone. I do not want to feel alone.

I told my wife to blog abut it. Just to help her cope. She loves to write so I think it would be good for her.

If this has happened to you or someone you know, just know you are not alone. No one talks about this. This is not something people want to talk about.

Sometimes I am not there emotionally for my wife. I can not hug her and hold her like I want to.

But I can write and tell our story. And I can also let her know we are not alone.

 

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