Hey friends. Thought I would come online and say hey!:-)
Honestly I dont have much to say thats changed, however i will mention that I am real sick. I have come down with a pretty nasty cold. It went from a soar throat, to now the coughing and sneezing..and tickle... and coughing and coughing..you know how it goes.
What great timing, but then again isnt that always the way. Things in life sometimes just seem to get you right at the most inconvenient of times.
Oh well, nothing to cry about. Like anything else, it will pass.
My grandmother has been in and out of the hospital lately. Not sure what is going on there. I suppose I am a little worried though. Anyone I know that has ended up going into the hospital lately, doesnt really always end up coming out.
Sad to say, but, it scares me. And honestly, I really dont think I have it in me to go through another death once again. They just kill me and set me back.
I am going to be moving soon. We are actually getting our brand new house tommorow. Something, I thought my kids really deserved. A house that they can finally call their own. The sacrifices we make for our children. 25 years of debt. And I thought I had debt before:) AS I said on facebook today, Rosy is getting ready to sign her life over tommorow..smiles
As far as the gym, wont be starting until May 1st. This is not by choice, but this is what this gyms says we must do. Not sure why, but its ok. To be honest it gives me a few weeks to get settled in our new home so that I am all ready to go. I don't think I am a person that really can deal with alot of changes at once anyways. For me, its almost better one step at a time instead of things all shot at me at once.
And if I can be honest, without people reading too much into anything. Something I never really told anyone. I miss my trainer friends. I really really miss him and how he was a part of my life. I don't really know what happened or why it happened that we grew apart the way we did, and in end sadly going our separate ways. Its just sort of sad to me. Always this has always left me with a somewhat empty feeling inside that I still carry around with me today.
We became really good friends during that one year. We laughed alot, and he seemed to always be there for me. We went through alot together and also experienced different things along the way while going through the project we decided to do. I could call or email him and vice versa, sometimes we would just even chat on the phone. It was really nice to have that you know.
There was something about our friendship that gave me alot of strength. I always thought perhaps it was because of the strong person he was, that maybe it somehow got carried over to me. I don't know. There was a certain postive energy he always carried along with him wherever he went.
I think thats been the toughest part of this whole thing, the reason why I end up sometimes not being able to stay on track, and end up having a hard time. Its the feeling of just aloneness. I guess I am still not really used to that.
I may sound silly to some people, perhaps them thinking while reading this "oh look at her, feeling sorry for herself cause she had a trainer..where some people dont even get that"
or maybe some women laughing at me, thinking maybe I am too weak of a person to have kept it all off alone anyways...or maybe even making their own stories up in their heads by reading what I am writing about "my trainer". But I really dont care to be honest.
He was more then just a trainer to me, he was my friend. And he wasnt just any friend. He was the first "friend" that was able to help me find myself and to break me. He helped me find and bring out the person I really should have been.. The fighter.
He is someone who I trusted. Someone that I found myself opening up to about myself and my weight and all that stuff for the very first time in my life. You guys know how hard that can be. The embaressment that one goes through to do that. In the beginning it wasnt easy. And by you all witnessing the whole story, I hope that I have helped many. But I wonder if that has left me lost? i dont know..me just going on again. (sometimes I do that)
Anyways... I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when these thoughts hit. I am sitting here all of a sudden with a sadness in my heart, even a tear because I know things will never be the same. And it doesnt help when in your mind you know, he probably doesnt even know how you really feel, or wondering if he would even care? Sometimes I even feel ashamed, I wouldnt even want to tell him anyways. Who would want someone to turn around and be your friend again, when its only to take pitty on you anyways?
I will probably never see or talk to him again. I have tried. But, I guess whats done is done. Maybe i never was able to accept that in my mind. I always thought we would be friends forever. But i guess people change, life changes, and people just go with the flow. Sometimes that means leaving behind what was yesturday.
OMG for someone who didnt have much new to talk about eh? smiles
I always said my mind is always wandering, and thinking so many things at once. I hope I havent bored anyone.
But what i wrote is the truth. I dont expect everyone to understand or to really care. I dont even quite get it myself actually, or why things are the way they are. I just take it day by day now, in hopes that I may be able to come out on top once again. I look at pictures of when I was at the height of it all, and to be honest, I see a woman so completely happy, so mind strong. You could just see it in my face. Not because she was thin, but because she found happiness all around.
And I somehow have to get that back, even if on my own this time.
Honestly I dont have much to say thats changed, however i will mention that I am real sick. I have come down with a pretty nasty cold. It went from a soar throat, to now the coughing and sneezing..and tickle... and coughing and coughing..you know how it goes.
What great timing, but then again isnt that always the way. Things in life sometimes just seem to get you right at the most inconvenient of times.
Oh well, nothing to cry about. Like anything else, it will pass.
My grandmother has been in and out of the hospital lately. Not sure what is going on there. I suppose I am a little worried though. Anyone I know that has ended up going into the hospital lately, doesnt really always end up coming out.
Sad to say, but, it scares me. And honestly, I really dont think I have it in me to go through another death once again. They just kill me and set me back.
I am going to be moving soon. We are actually getting our brand new house tommorow. Something, I thought my kids really deserved. A house that they can finally call their own. The sacrifices we make for our children. 25 years of debt. And I thought I had debt before:) AS I said on facebook today, Rosy is getting ready to sign her life over tommorow..smiles
As far as the gym, wont be starting until May 1st. This is not by choice, but this is what this gyms says we must do. Not sure why, but its ok. To be honest it gives me a few weeks to get settled in our new home so that I am all ready to go. I don't think I am a person that really can deal with alot of changes at once anyways. For me, its almost better one step at a time instead of things all shot at me at once.
And if I can be honest, without people reading too much into anything. Something I never really told anyone. I miss my trainer friends. I really really miss him and how he was a part of my life. I don't really know what happened or why it happened that we grew apart the way we did, and in end sadly going our separate ways. Its just sort of sad to me. Always this has always left me with a somewhat empty feeling inside that I still carry around with me today.
We became really good friends during that one year. We laughed alot, and he seemed to always be there for me. We went through alot together and also experienced different things along the way while going through the project we decided to do. I could call or email him and vice versa, sometimes we would just even chat on the phone. It was really nice to have that you know.
There was something about our friendship that gave me alot of strength. I always thought perhaps it was because of the strong person he was, that maybe it somehow got carried over to me. I don't know. There was a certain postive energy he always carried along with him wherever he went.
I think thats been the toughest part of this whole thing, the reason why I end up sometimes not being able to stay on track, and end up having a hard time. Its the feeling of just aloneness. I guess I am still not really used to that.
I may sound silly to some people, perhaps them thinking while reading this "oh look at her, feeling sorry for herself cause she had a trainer..where some people dont even get that"
or maybe some women laughing at me, thinking maybe I am too weak of a person to have kept it all off alone anyways...or maybe even making their own stories up in their heads by reading what I am writing about "my trainer". But I really dont care to be honest.
He was more then just a trainer to me, he was my friend. And he wasnt just any friend. He was the first "friend" that was able to help me find myself and to break me. He helped me find and bring out the person I really should have been.. The fighter.
He is someone who I trusted. Someone that I found myself opening up to about myself and my weight and all that stuff for the very first time in my life. You guys know how hard that can be. The embaressment that one goes through to do that. In the beginning it wasnt easy. And by you all witnessing the whole story, I hope that I have helped many. But I wonder if that has left me lost? i dont know..me just going on again. (sometimes I do that)
Anyways... I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when these thoughts hit. I am sitting here all of a sudden with a sadness in my heart, even a tear because I know things will never be the same. And it doesnt help when in your mind you know, he probably doesnt even know how you really feel, or wondering if he would even care? Sometimes I even feel ashamed, I wouldnt even want to tell him anyways. Who would want someone to turn around and be your friend again, when its only to take pitty on you anyways?
I will probably never see or talk to him again. I have tried. But, I guess whats done is done. Maybe i never was able to accept that in my mind. I always thought we would be friends forever. But i guess people change, life changes, and people just go with the flow. Sometimes that means leaving behind what was yesturday.
OMG for someone who didnt have much new to talk about eh? smiles
I always said my mind is always wandering, and thinking so many things at once. I hope I havent bored anyone.
But what i wrote is the truth. I dont expect everyone to understand or to really care. I dont even quite get it myself actually, or why things are the way they are. I just take it day by day now, in hopes that I may be able to come out on top once again. I look at pictures of when I was at the height of it all, and to be honest, I see a woman so completely happy, so mind strong. You could just see it in my face. Not because she was thin, but because she found happiness all around.
And I somehow have to get that back, even if on my own this time.