Thanks for your concern. First of all, you can’t run my life and what I want for myself isn’t necessarily what you want for me. It would be nice if all the people you loved were exactly as you wanted them to be. Or would it? But, I’ll never be exactly what you or my mother or anyone else wants me to be. Even if I were to weigh 120 pounds!
I’m not saying that I don’t want to lose weight. I’m just saying that you can’t push me to lose it. It won’t work. I sometimes get the feeling that even if I did lose weight, there would always be something else that you or Mom wouldn’t like about my physical appearance, or even my way of life.
I’m me and right now I’m happy, for the most part. As far as my weight, it is not ideal. It is something I can change and I will when the time is right. DON’T PUSH ME!!! Don’t force me, don’t coerce me, don’t seduce me, don’t bribe me. It just makes losing weight something I’m doing for someone else, not myself. OK?
I am going to follow the exercises that you gave me. I don’t have a program of exercise and I should. I don’t want any money for it. Nothing will please me more than my own personal satisfaction that I feel better and that *I* think I look better. I’ll do it for myself.
I found this letter – which I had written from college just six days after my 20th birthday – last night as I was going through the last of my grandmother’s stuff. It appears that she kept every bit of correspondence she ever received. I have not read every single one, but it has been both amusing and enlightening to read some of the letters I sent to her, as well as the letters both she and my mother wrote to each other over the years (in some cases I found letters that my grandmother herself had written). I have gained invaluable insight.
“…there’s a reason why the windshield of a car is so big and the rear view mirror is so small. What’s in front of you is much more important than what’s behind you.” ~ Tara Martin’s take on Joel Osteen
I could accuse myself of looking too long or too often in the rearview mirror, but then again, we have rearview mirrors for a reason.
Finding this particular letter stirred up emotions.
I’m sad that this has been an issue for so damned long (and it was an issue well before this letter was written).
I’m angry that my family focused so much on my weight – and talked about it not-so-nicely behind my back – to the point that my grandmother wanted to pay me to lose it! (You don’t know my Grandmother; she didn’t like to spend money on ANYthing).
I’m hurt for the girl I used to be.
I’m proud of myself for standing up to my Grandmother.
I’m regretful that I wasn’t able to stand up for myself in a more productive way.
I’m angry with myself for choosing to turn into such a resistant person as a result.
I’m grateful that she kept the letters and that I was able to find this one, as well as some others.
I trust that, by allowing myself to briefly look into the rearview mirror and understand what I see, I will find peace around an issue that has dominated my life for so long.
Tomorrow I will be taking a nice, long look through the windshield.