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Sorry I left ya hanging

Posted Aug 03 2011 3:17pm
Sorry I left everyone hanging about the arm infection.  For some reason I thought I had talked about it.  It's been getting better everyday and the doctor thought they were healing well.  I now just have 2 little spots on the left arm.  The right arm had two little spots to start with and they seem to be cleared up but I have another spot under the right arm that's sore.  The arms in general are just very sore, the incisions are healing slow and with incisions from elbow to almost the bottom of the bra line it's hard to wear much that is comfortable.  

So I made the decision last night to go back in the compression suit and then just wear the strap the doc gave me around the top of my chest.  I guess he wants to try to push the right implant down that I said looked high (and over) to me though he said the implants were in the right place.  I hope that isn't true and the right one falls a bit so it looks more even to the left.  In clothes it doesn't look to bad but naked it's definitely very noticeable that they aren't even.

The bottom part of me is healing well. It really was like a whole nother body lift except I don't have the muscle pain since he didn't mess with any of that stuff this time. The incision on the back side of me seems an inch or so higher than the old one so it will be above my pants line but such is life.  Hopefully the scar will heal as well as last time and it won't be all that noticeable and besides I'm not one to wear shirts that ride up my back. I still have a hard spot where my old belly button was but the doctor said it will get less noticeable as time goes on.  I also have a mini third boob lol.  I knew I would have a lump of skin there because of how the vertical cut is done.  It's at the bra line though so shouldn't be noticeable (boy I keep typing that word) except without clothes.  Hopefully it too will get less humped up as time goes on.  Really over all I'm not unhappy with things.  I just wish the arms would heal up quicker and I'd get back to having more energy. 

Before my first surgery I looked at a lot of pictures online and also watched some youtube videos from women that had a body lift/arm lift/etc.  What I realized is that everything doesn't turn out perfect.  I also know from my own experience that the doctor does want you to be happy and he does do the best job he can.  When I think about him working on me for 10 hours the first time and 12 hours the second I do realize that it was a LOT of work for him.  I can see he does notice his mistakes and he is willing to fix them but of course for a price.  He was talking about the different things he could fix but honestly I'm done.  In my head of course I think about getting my thighs redone but I really think the changes would be small and I know I just can't keep going on surgery after surgery hoping for a body that just isn't possible.  

I weighed 378 lbs at one point. I weighed 330-350 lbs for most of my life from the time I was a teenager so I'm not looking for perfection here.  I'm just wanting to be able to look in the mirror and not see that 378 lb person anymore.  I know some would never dream of going this route of having 2 major surgeries, they would consider it to risky, to much money, to much pain and recovery.  This was definitely a personal choice just as losing the weight was.  Hopefully most people in my life will understand but the bottom line really is I'm the only one that needs to understand (well and Mike, which he does). 

I'm kind of worried that I'm due to go back to work Monday.  I just don't really feel ready.  I think part of it is that I'm not sleeping well at all.  I'm getting in enough hours but they are not straight hours or at night like they should be.  I really need to get that sorted out and quick.  Last night I was up till 5am and then slept till 10.  I was going to go back and take a nap but decided not to.  Maybe tonight I will be able to sleep at a normal time.

Mike heads to Chicago tomorrow for Kevin's graduation on Friday.  He has to leave at 4:30am to get to the airport in time for his 9am flight, it's about a 2 hour drive but might be more if there's morning traffic.  I know he's feeling kind of stressed today.  This will be his first flight alone (he's only flown 2 other times and with me handling all the arrangements).  I know he'll do fine but he's good at waiting till the last minute to do things so he has things he has to do tonight.  I feel bad because I'm just not feeling up to doing much to help.  I'm hoping that I will get a little more energy tonight so I can help if he needs me too.  He's only gone till Saturday morning so it's a quick trip for him.

I'm of course feeling sad about it all that I won't be there for his graduation but I know Kevin knows I love him. In his 8 yrs here, at times I think he's wondered how much Mike loved him though I think Mike has done a good job being the father Kevin never had.  I think it will be a special bonding thing for both of them that they will always remember so maybe it was suppose to work out this way.  

It does mean that I probably won't get to see Kevin till Thanksgiving though which makes me sad too.  They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and I know that will hold true with all of us.  It seems like time has flown by these past 7 weeks but it is on a daily basis that I think about Kevin and all the little things I miss about him being here with us.  I know he's a grown man now though and is now living his own life.  It just seems weird to me since it seemed not long ago at all that he was just a little boy.  Ok enough about Kevin or I'll be bawling my eyes out here.  

It seems the day after a doctors visit I'm worn out, not sure why that is.  I had hopes of so many things today but here I still sit at almost 3pm in my pajamas.  Maybe I will try to get up and do a few things around the house at least before Mike gets home.  

Well till next time...
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