Sometimes, For Some Of Us, Pursuing What We Want Gets Tangled Up In Proving Our Worth
Posted Sep 12 2013 8:18am
Discipline is remembering what you want. ~ David Campbell
You know that whole “I’m afraid to set goals” thing I talk about frequently? Well, I’ve gotten a bit more insight into why*.
Like most good ah-ha moments, what I figured out is that I was unconsciously thinking a thought that had become a belief: I don’t deserve to have dreams/desires/wants/goals/opinions that aren’t attached to proving my worth.
Let me back up a minute and explain what led up to me uncovering that gem.
In August I read a book called Start by Jon Acuff (not an affiliate link…but I do highly recommend it) for a month-long book club and during one of the discussions, this question/thought popped into my head (in regards to getting something I really want): “How much more do I have to do?”
Except it my head it came out more like this: “Hooooow much moooooore doooo I have to doooooo?”
Picture a petulant, resistant toddler going limp, falling to the floor, and moaning.
Which elicited this question from someone in the book club: Do you really want what you say you want? And why do you want it?
Which reminded me of something my mother used to say to me when I was a child: “If you really wanted it, you’d do what it takes to get it.”
And ever since then my brain has been knotted…my stomach in a clench…my shoulders up around my ears….my breath held…my eyes squinched!
Uneasy. Unsettled. Desperate.
(All of which is NOT conducive to taking action to get what I want!)
I have felt this way many times over the years in regards to things I thought I wanted: to have a thinner body, to be a writer, to be a kickboxer, to write a book, to have a business, to lift heavy kettlebells, to help others…
And lurking under all that whining and moaning and desperation were these unconscious thoughts:
I don’t deserve to have wants/desires/goals/opinions.
The only reason I should ever want something is so that I could prove that I am okay and thus worthy of existing.
Wanting something for no other reason than wanting it means that I am bad.
But when I sit very still, and I let my shoulders relax.
And when I breathe and let my stomach pooch out without a care in the world.
And when I soften my eyes.
And when I let go.
And when I surrender.
And I allow my whole self to rest without guilt or judgment, I am able to see and feel the truth:
Value and worth are inherent.
My body can’t prove my value or worth (and neither can yours).
My business can’t prove my value or worth (and neither can yours).
What I write can’t prove my value or worth (and it’s the same for you).
Kettlebells can’t prove my value or worth (ditto for you).
Neither can my possessions. Nor the people I love, or the people who love me (I think you see the pattern here).
No achievement, thing, person, or entity can ever prove our worth as human beings.
Say it with me: I deserve to have desires/wants/goals/opinions that are not attached to proving my worth.
*While it can be helpful to know the “why,” it’s good to remind yourself that the “why” will never change (because it’s in the past). I don’t know about you, but I sometimes have a tendency to get stuck in my “whys”.
So much love…
Please tell me I’m not the only one who sometimes finds herself tangled up in this way…have you ever pursued something, thinking it was your heart’s desire, only to find that what you were really doing is trying to prove your worth (either to someone else or yourself)?
This is the Freewill Astrology report for Scorpio this week. Feel free to make it your own.
The cosmos hereby grants you poetic license to be brazen in your craving for the best and brightest experiences . . . to be uninhibited in feeding your obsessions and making them work for you . . . to be shameless as you pursue exactly and only what you really, really want more than anything else. This is a limited time offer, although it may be extended if you pounce eagerly and take full advantage. For best results, suspend your pursuit of trivial wishes and purge yourself of your bitchy complaints about life.