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So Much Time

Posted Feb 23 2013 5:03pm
Has almost a month really went by on me?  I guess I did realize that and realized I hadn't posted here in a long time too.  Maybe I was just waiting till I was in a better mindset before coming to talk.  I know my last few posts have been pretty positive and talking about mind work, etc.  I also know it's been a mixed bag for me.  

I had decided I was joining my gym's biggest loser contest again this year.  Mike had decided he wasn't.  I really wasn't upset about that at all since I knew how frustrating it was to him last year to lose by just 0.2 of a lb.  But for myself I hadn't really put my whole self into it last year and I still managed 3rd place so I kind of thought if I really put myself into it I could/can win it.  So today was the first weigh in and by some crazy miracle (and clean eating and 12 workouts) I lost 8 lbs this week.  I didn't starve myself ate between 1300-1700 calories but I did work my butt off literally.  

What it makes me wonder is why do I ever let myself fall back into old habits and struggle with food.  That is what I have to really give thought to.  Going through this week of eating and cooking lots of fantastic healthy food I realized just how much I can enjoy food with 0 guilt attached.  So why then do I sometimes fall back into old habits and turn to the crap food? I guess it's just a deep seeded thing within me and I am an addict. It really is about not allowing myself to have the first bite, at least of sugary things or something in a bag or box. I do know I can enjoy food without guilt and that I have to really focus on that by buying and trying new foods and recipes that will make me feel good all the way around. I also know how therapeutic cooking is to me and using that to my advantage is going to keep pushing me forward too.  

With that said, I had let myself fall pretty hard the few weeks before the contest.  To the point I was getting scared.  I was starting to question my sanity with my crazy "before contest" thinking and just letting myself eat whatever I wanted in whatever quantities.  It lead to a many lb gain and seeing a number on the scale that scared the crap out of me.  I know that's what everyone reading always waits for "how much as she gained?".  I know not everyone thinks of that in a mean way but just an "inquiry minds want to know".  My weigh in for the contest last Saturday was 199 lbs.  Yep, I was just 1 lb from the 200 mark that I promised myself I would never see again.  Thankfully I am at 191 today and knowing that number is only going to continue to fall as I work towards winning the contest I'm feeling much less scared.  

What does this all say to me?  I think it tells me that I need a goal in front of me ALWAYS.  Not just a "go through life do whatever" but actual written down 'tough for me" goals that I have to work towards.  I know not everyone is that way but I'm realizing I am.  Maybe sometime years down the road I won't need that but right now right this minute in my life I do need that.  

Is it about recognition?  Well maybe it is.  Maybe when I had actually lost my weight and reached several of my goals way back when I never celebrated it with anyone but you guys here.  In real life I had my TOPS celebrations but otherwise I didn't make much of a deal of it.  I know it was because I still felt I hadn't went as far as I could or should with my weight loss.  But having gained back 18 lbs (26 lbs last week) from my low I've come to realize that it's not about the scale.  It's about how I feel on the inside, about my own self image.  Which is what I've been talking about a lot here.

I think some of my mindset change is because I am very involved these days again with my online "burn the fat inner circle' friends that helped me several years ago get over the 100 lb hump.  I feel like I am with a whole group of athletes that strive day after day to hit their next goal.  It's a different mindset than my TOPS family who will pat you on the back if you gain 5 lbs and say "better next time don't worry about it".  These folks in a loving way will say "come on get with the program you can and will do this, now get your butt moving".  I think I've needed that for a long time to be motivated by others instead of always feeling I was suppose to be the motivator.  

I do have some folks here that have motivated me so greatly and I will always be here because this place has been a big part of my lift too and I know I will need it for a long time to come if not forever.  But I don't know how much I will be here with all the contest stuff over the next 7-8 weeks.  But I think of so many of you on a daily basis and I have been reading some of your posts.  I realize I need to invest in all of you as well as myself because I know I don't want to be without you all and friends have to be there for each other. 

So I do hope everyone is having a great weekend and I will keep in touch.

Till next time...

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