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Skanky Tuesday: Why Hello Self Respect

Posted Feb 01 2011 12:50pm
Do you ever have things happen where the last thing you want to do is tell anyone about it? Isn’t it annoying when those things also happen to be the type of thing that you ought to tell others about because it’s a cautionary tale? Welcome to Friday night.

My pride would like to pretend that I didn’t get myself into this situation but my pride is also at fault for my lack of acceptance that’s been causing me so much pain.

The latest guy I’ve been seeing I met just after my grandmother died. He stayed up all night with me and listened to what’s been going on in my life and though I wasn’t that attracted to him, I decided to give him a chance. By that I really mean I decided to sleep with him. I mean, how many guys will listen to all of that shit? Plus, he was intelligent, witty, and made fun of me just the right amount. Maybe I just needed to stop being shallow.

I just wasn’t that into him but because of all of the emotional turmoil I was dealing with, I kept seeing him. He knew that I was also seeing other guys and I told him that I didn’t care what he did with other girls. It was convenient, easy, and I wasn’t too fussed about the whole thing.

This Friday night we decided to meet up after I left the club and he was finished hanging out with “the boys” at a nearby bar. Having worked double shifts all week, I expected that he would probably be tired and maybe cranky. I wasn’t terribly surprised when he was being impatient with some random guy who was trying to take a picture of me.

I was drunk. He had some friends who were staying with him who were still at the bar so he suggested that we go to his “cousin’s” house and stay the night there. I don’t know why I didn’t think this was strange. I told him that he had to drive. I didn’t realize that he was also drunk.

On the way back to the car he was rudely dismissive to the homeless people who asked us for money. Although I dislike the way people just dismiss the homeless, it doesn’t often surprise me when they do. He got a little miffed that I answered each one of them.

In the car he started making moves on me. He also started talking about what he wanted to do that night. I’m sure that you all know by now that I have no problem with dirty talk but this was different from our usual joking.

Sometimes I wonder if people realize how it feels to actually write these sorts of things down. Allow me a moment to tell you that it scares me. I keep wanting to censor some of it but that would defeat the purpose of this post. I share these sorts of things because I hope that someone might stumble across it and see the same patterns of behavior in someone they’re dating and realize that the best thing they can do is run the other direction. So I’m warning you now, this is going to get crass.

In the car he told me that I needed to learn to love giving oral sex. He said that I ought to “worship the cock.” He told me how good he would make me feel with it. As I said, I was drunk and so I didn’t think through these statements at the time. He also told me that his ex-girlfriend was coming to visit him. I didn’t care but I did make a joke about twice being thwarted by ex-girlfriends.

When we got to his “cousin’s” house (I don’t know if they actually were cousins or if they just called each other that like some guys do) we hung out, drank, and chatted. He asked his cousin and friends to get some food, gave him a $20 and waited for them to leave. Immediately after, he pulled me into one of the bedrooms.

While I certainly had no objection, his insistence on oral sex first annoyed me. I was ready to go and just plain wanted it.

By the time that I came to myself enough to think about the fact that he was not wearing a condom; it was too late for him to pull out. I only didn’t panic because I knew I could get Plan B and I was in the wrong part of my cycle for pregnancy to be a huge risk.

Then I got more stupid. Despite what had just happened, I wasn’t done. Still drunk, still stupid, I initiated again soon after. This time he was almost forceful with the oral sex. He mentioned his ex again and how I was good but she actually liked giving it, alluding to the fact that he might choose her over me (go ahead, bitch). He held my head too tightly in place. It was just enough that having been sexually abused , I emotionally reacted and flung myself back.

We were in a nearly pitch black room, though, so he didn’t see either the look on my face or the reaction. All he would have felt was me pulling back. So, we had sex again. Again I didn’t think about protection until it was too late. Again. He immediately got up, left the room, and passed out. While I was still getting dressed, his cousin came in the room and propositioned me. I. Said. No. He tried again; I yelled for my dude, he didn’t come. The cousin left the room. I got dressed and went back into the living room angry at the situation I found myself in.

I couldn’t go anywhere, though, so I laid down across dude and hung out. When the other people who were there were leaving, his cousin suddenly got up and told me that I had to leave. I couldn’t drive anywhere, I was still drunk. I told him as much. He said that he didn’t care. I reminded him that I was with dude. He didn’t care. Once again I reminded him that I was too drunk to drive. He told me that I ought to go sleep in my car but I couldn’t sleep there. I tried to wake up dude to appeal to him; after all, he had brought me there. He was out.

I finally realized that there was no way I was going to win this fight, got my stuff together, and left. On the way to my car (glad I travel with pillow and blanket), I sent dude a text “Fuck you and fuck your cousin.” Not my usual style.

The next morning I woke up feeling slightly devastated about the whole thing. I realized that I had dropped a few things and left dude a message asking him to retrieve them for me but made it clear that I was still not happy.

I considered giving him another chance if he apologized because what his cousin did wasn’t his fault. Then I started thinking about his behavior throughout the rest of the night. I was done, absolutely done.

Had his cousin not pissed me off so damn much, I might have been inclined to be more forgiving but that would have been a huge mistake. Between the things he said in the car, trying to cut me down to bolster himself and making near threats about the possibility of me losing him, and how he acted while at his cousin’s house, something was fundamentally wrong.

I think that I can see now how women end up in really bad relationships. Like I said, had I not been so pissed, he might have won me over again. I’ve been really lucky so far in the men (though I call them all boys because I’m a silly girl) I’ve dated. This is the first who has been anything less than amazing (yes, they were amazing even if not right for me).

I have to admit that I’ve judged girls in the past for letting themselves stay in crappy relationships but from analyzing the last several weeks, I can see the progression of a pattern I didn’t even realize was happening. Friday night was royally shitty, but I’m glad it was. It gave me the guts and the fury to say fuck off and move on.

I decided to share this for a few reasons. Firstly, for those of us who are new to the dating and relationship game, we might not see the pattern when it starts. Too often it takes an outside influence telling us what they see (which we never believe). Secondly, because I needed to lay out what happened to remind myself that it really was as bad as it was. I have a tendency to think the best of people and in this case, I just can’t. Thirdly, because it created quite the epiphany about the lack of self respect I showed myself through the whole pseudo-relationship.

I let it start because I needed someone to go to when the shit was hitting the fan. I needed someone to take the place of The Visitor as the person I went to when I needed an ear ( and a warm body  to sleep against). He was never like The Visitor, though. He never showed the same tenderness, understanding, or uncanny ability to know exactly how to drape his legs over mine to make me feel safe and content.

I broke a few of my own policies in this whole thing and it reminds me that although some of them were silly (don’t tell my name at clubs and no wearing animal prints), some have very good reason to exist.

Analyzing this whole thing, I finally realized why I miss The Boy and The Visitor (despite still being friends with both and not wanting a relationship anymore with… let’s be honest… one of them). It’s not so much them that I miss but the way I felt with them. They both showed so much respect, tenderness, and mischievous playfulness. How could I not fall for them?

So, I come out of this with a better idea of what I want in a relationship and what is unacceptable… and still long winded.
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