" People do not lack strength, they lack will." - Victor Hugo
For those that journal, have you ever taken the time to look back at words you've written about yourself? There have been many times when I've spoken words that cause a reaction similar to a chin hitting the floor. That's when I've thrown remarks about my own appearance or weight which shocked them. Those words started as an outward replication of things others said to or about me. My logic was that if I say the worst that can be said about myself then others cannot hurt me.
As time passed, those words came from me with more venom and inward hostility. Words others had spewed became my self-perception and self-hatred. There were times when the anger and disgust I felt about myself became so intense I was unable to risk others hearing what was in my thoughts. On one specific occasion I took a pencil and color and created an image of some of those thoughts. That's the picture you see here. These words are mild when considering all the thoughts. There are journal entries where I compare myself to an elephant or some other huge animal, and call myself things like 'disgusting fat slob with absolutely no stamina or will power'. Words were so hateful and angry.
One of my personal goals has been to stop degrading myself. Instead I've taken time to note and cheer my abilities and successes, like the things I can persevere through as a single mom, or the comfort and cheer I can bring to my daughter and others despite how I might be feeling in general or about myself. I have an incredible ability to focus on what needs to be done and ignore the panic, fear and anxiety contained inside me. Some of the things I've dealt with have been very extreme and uncommon circumstances, and I have impressed myself with how I handled them.
My strengths are bold, and in focusing on those positives I'm finding my willpower. Today someone wrote to me "For the love of God, walk an hour a day." If I cannot walk for me alone, or find any other reasons to get motivated, God should be all I need. Without His grace I am lost.