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Round, round we go - Where is that sludge hammer?

Posted Jan 27 2009 7:06pm
Lord, this is the week that I start the journey of unwrapping the excess me.
Please give me strength and wisdom to stick to it,
and with all the changes a 'new me' will entail.
Right now I’m scared.
Lord, I’m going to lean on you, because I don’t trust myself.
I have such a bad habit of reverting backwards -
finding excuses, and eating the same way I have all my life.
None of my habits or lifestyle choices have worked for me;
after all, high weight and poor shape say it all.
Lord, help me to embrace the needed lifestyle changes,
and the changes in my body wholeheartedly and with joy.
Help me never forget that getting fit and losing weight are good things,
and although it will be hard, I will get there.
I will reach my goal of 140 pounds,
but without you I will never get there!
In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Prior to blogging I used to journal my journey, and the prayer above was written by me on September 3, 2005. At that time I had signed up for a Curves diet plan to start the following week. My weigh-in on September 9, 2005 was 343 pounds, and I have come full circle (of sorts). My last weigh-in was December 15, and I was once again 343 pounds. Monday will see where I stand now.

One entry in that time read, "I feel trapped, like in prison." It was because I had become frustrated by not being able to do or eat the way I wanted to like some others can, because if I did I would gain weight. Of course, then it was like I set out to prove it to myself by quitting the plan and going free range. Actually, at the time of Curves I wanted to stay with it, but financially I couldn't, and as a result I gave up. However, at times these diet plans have a way of making me feel suppressed. With that feeling a fight for freedom soon follows, which at the time was doing and eating what I want.

Now that I look back, that bar plan was not good. It was only 900 - 1200 per day, and I was exercising. I was starving all the time and shaky. I wonder if that's why my body ballooned about 45 pounds within the year after? It doesn't matter now. What matters is getting back on plan. I have the knowledge, and I've had it for quite a while. Look at the list below that I wrote in my journal back on September 11, 2007. I believe I might have acquired it from a Spark People article, but I'm not sure. They are:

  1. Avoid processed foods
  2. Sleep – get the right amount of sleep (8+ hours)
  3. Plan ahead, because having no plan assures failure
  4. Count calories
  5. Don’t be all or nothing, allow room for slips or change
  6. Tell your family and gain support
  7. Stay hydrated – drink lots of water!
  8. Forget your target heart rate, high intensity training is what works
  9. Stand on your own – find your trigger for weight loss, keep your goal in sight, do whatever is needed to reach your goal, and stay focused on what works for you because you will be discouraged by looking at another’s habits
  10. Keep a food diary, which is good for noting trends and weak spots

Below is my complete journey since 2003, and its nothing to be excited about. Yet it reveals something clearly - when I try in a plan of some sort I do lose, but in those plans over the last few years I became too easily discouraged or bored with what I was doing.

304.5 – July 27, 2003 began a meal replacement bar plan
300.5 – August 7, 2003
298.0 – Aug 14, 2003
299.0 – Aug 21, 2003
292.0 – Aug 27, 2003
290.0 – Sept 10, 2003
288.5 – Sept 24, 2003 stopped meal replacement plan
----------------------------------------------------------------
334.0 – Nov 15, 2004
341.5 – Aug 17, 2005
----------------------------------------------------------------
343.0 – Sept 9, 2005 Started Curves diet plan
336.0 – Sept 29, 2005
341.0 – Oct 14, 2005 Curves plan ended due to financial strain
----------------------------------------------------------------
336.0 – March 17, 2006
350.0 – May 8, 2006 Drew a picture of an exploding scale in my journal
250.0 – May 17, 2006 Determined desire to be 140 by 40th birthday in 2008
334.0 – March 5, 2007 – first time I dared to step on the scale since May 06
----------------------------------------------------------------
335.0 – October 2, 2007 started a challenge at SparkPeople.com
330.0 – October 15, 2007
332.0 – October 22, 2007
330.0 – October 29, 2007
327.5 – Nov 5, 2007
330.0 – Nov 12, 2007
326.0 – Nov 26, 2007
327.5 – Dec 7, 2007
328.0 – Dec 11, 2007
329.0 – Dec 17, 2007 Quit the challenge
----------------------------------------------------------------
326.0 – Jan 7, 2008
330.0 – Jan 31, 2008
328.0 – Feb 6, 2008
327.0 – March 15, 2008
331.5 – April 7, 2008 Felt truly defeated because it was back over 330
330.0 – July 28, 2008
337.0 – September 16, 2008
343.0 – December 15, 2008

My prayer has not changed since September 3, 2005, but how can I expect the Lord to work with me if I don't work with myself? Let's hope things change now. I seriously considered joining Weight Watchers, but it's the weekly cost that stops me, and I know both in and outside the blog world that WW is effective, plus the opportunity to be around like minded people would be good, but for now I'm left to my own resources.

May the circle I've been in break wide open and the weight line, like mercury in the cold, plummet.

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