I was speaking with my sister tonight, and I said, “ I could be losing weight, but then again, I had those three wisdom teeth taken out in July, and maybe they have allowed my cheeks to be more indented. ” A part of me is afraid to say, “ Yeah! I’m losing weight! ”, and I know exactly why. I’m afraid I’m wrong, and being wrong makes me look foolish or delusional.
Certainly want to lose weight, but there’s part of me that’s afraid of the weight loss. It’s absolutely nuts, and again poses the question –“ Why!? ” Just being thin is no longer the fear. After all, I’ve been telling myself I’m thin for a while, and I’m actually allowing that image I have of ‘me inside’ to become real in the forefront of my mind. It’s a good BIG step! A distinct possibility is my fear has become more about keeping weight off after it’s lost - a fear I have to work on. Plus if it’s not the one, find out what others may exist. There's something dragging on me.
Should history repeat, then once I start hearing, “ You’re losing weight! ” trouble could be ahead. That’s when things have historically gone awry, which means the fear may very well equate to attention weight loss draws to me. This makes sense, I hate people noticing me. Instead, I’m the type of person who prefers melting into the background unnoticed. Bottom line, these are a few of the things to concur in my weight loss success, which will be mine! Wahahaha!
This morning I was reminded of something else, skin changes. The last couple of nights I have gotten more sleep ( Thank God for vacation! ). Yesterday wasn’t too bad, but this morning I really noticed something, which reinforces our body’s requirement of a certain level of sleep each night to fend off weight. The skin on my legs is loose. When I run my fingers together over each leg it feels like skin on seniors I’ve known. It’s feeling slightly loose. Does this make sense to anyone? I believe this is due to losing something. There has to be a phase of skin feeling loose when junk underneath disappears before it tightens up again. In the case of my legs, the junk lost has been water. Plus, this same skin softening has been noted by my fingertips on my face and neck.
These changes make me smile. They indicate progress is occurring in the face of any fears. That persistent nervousness that any success could falter is brewing though. Some unexpected expenses have equated to a sorely lacking budget, which means there is no grocery money. Even when I get paid on January 2nd, after rent and required expenses, there is still virtually nothing. ( Merry Christmas to me! ). The result - eating what’s left in the house, and I can assure you it’s not much! I’m just thankful my daughter and I are going to another’s home for Christmas dinner. That will ward off any bad memories for her. The food that does remain is mainly carbs – whole wheat bread, rice.... only a couple of meals of meat in the freezer, and virtually nothing in fruits and vegetables.
I’m not complaining. What concerns me is eating like this for as long as it takes could cause weight gain or a relapse into old eating habits again. It will definitely take more vigilance. In the meantime, I’m not going to beat myself up. I am thankful for what I have, and I will make due.
Since being on vacation (since Friday) food tracking hasn’t been as rampant, and I know the calories over these past few days are higher than they should be. Stress is my vigilante, and its number one buddy is financial strain. They together equal my biggest battle on the path of living. However, I will win, maybe just not as quickly as I would like. Besides, doesn’t the bible always remind us that things happen in God’s time, not ours?