If you’ve been reading here for a while, you’ve probably seen this a time or 10: I don’t have to control food and food doesn’t control me. This is my nirvana. It’s what I was describing in a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago called PRACTICING: Effortlessness .
Just the other day I crafted a note to myself based on a comment I left on a post entitled Taking The Cakewalk by Jane at Keeping The Pounds Off (excellent blog, by the way). Reading and commenting on others’ blogs helps me refine and hone my message to myself.
Here is that note:
I want a healthy relationship with food and my body to come easily. It shouldn’t have to be a life-long struggle. While I am not sure I’d call it “absurdly easy” (the definition of “a cakewalk” in Jane’s post), it has become a lot easier. I have embraced the notion that this isn’t about perfection or about never bingeing again, but about catching myself sooner and preventing the downward spiral. The process has had a lot more to do with working on what’s going on inside my head than with the actual control or restriction of food.
There are people who’d rather control and restrict food…people for whom it works to say, “I am a food addict and I must be vigilant!” It’s easier for them to do it that way.
For me, it’s easier to go deep and work on root causes than it is to restrict and control food or to label myself an addict. I believe that if I can get at the root causes, my body/mind/spirit will respond positively and that I will have a healthy “normal” relationship with food. Am I perfect at it? No. Is it easy? Most of the time. Is it a joyful work in progress? YES!
And guess what? Right now it is NOT coming easily. I feel out of control around food and I feel that food is controlling me. Recent circumstances and situations have been poking incessantly at my insecure, approval-seeking inner child and so I’ve been distracting myself with food after months and months and MONTHS of food just being food and me not being all that interested in it.
Yesterday it all came to a head when I heard some news I was not expecting and did not want to hear, but at the same time, deep down inside, was afraid I’d hear. All of a sudden, the confident, able, and knowledgeable woman I am was reduced to a scared, angry, impotent little girl who felt as if she’d been robbed of her power and who would be exposed as a foolish idiot who has no idea what she is doing.
And boy did she want to numb and stuff herself. And…I let her. And within hours I understood my root cause.
And it’s okay. And she’s okay. And so am I.
“Fear, like joy, usually means that you’re exactly where you should be, learning what you’re ready to learn, about to become more than who you were.” ~ Today’s oh-so-appropriate Note From The Universe
On a totally separate note (although the Universe really does step up to the plate when I need it to): Imagine my surprise and thrill at being named in Crabby McSlacker’s list of “Best Weight Loss Blogs: 2012″ ! Thank you so very much to her and to her readers who voted for me! I am honored. Some of my favorite blogs are also listed there, as are some with which I am not familiar. I can’t wait to check them out.