I’ve said it here several times: “In the end, it takes as long as it needs to take.” Here is another one of those things.
I’ve gotten into a bad habit over the past couple of months: I’ve been drinking wine almost every night. This is a habit I’ve had on and off for years. And I am starting to see a connection to other things that are going on in my life…things that I don’t like.
First and most obvious is bloat and apparent weight gain (I say “apparent” because I’m not weighing myself, but I know my body oh so well). Second, lethargy and an overall dull feeling (sorta depressed but not really). Third, achy joints. I’m not sure why, but my instinct tells me that it’s the wine that’s making me ache.
Over the years I’ve gone back and forth from being an “every day” drinker to not drinking much at all. There have been times when I questioned whether or not I might be an alcoholic. I don’t think I am…I think it’s related more to the sugar in the wine (remember the sugar binge I went on a few weeks ago…a definite connection). But at the same time, the whole thing makes me defensive due to my family history and their dysfunction around alcohol (again, it’s that “all or nothing” thing). The only thing I know is that if there’s wine in the house, I’ll drink it. We currently have rum, tequila and beer in the house, but it doesn’t tempt me.
Anyway, since last Monday when I laid in bed, watching television and drinking too much wine, I’ve been thinking that it just doesn’t serve me…in fact, I almost feel like a slave to it. I’ve also noticed feeling almost obligated to drink. Like it’s just what’s expected. I’ve never felt that way before.
So I’ve decided to stop buying wine “to have around just in case.” In fact, I just took the last bottle that we had and poured it down the kitchen sink. I need to give myself a break.
There’s something else that has been weighing on me (and yeah, I am meant to live lighter!!): being distracted! And I think this is all related in some way.
In the September issue of Real Simple there’s an article written by A.J. Jacobs (author of The Guinea Pig Diaries: My Life as an Experiment ) who decided he was going to stop “multitasking” for 30 days. It struck a nerve with me because I allow myself to become distracted by so many things (and yes, I see that wine drinking may also be a distraction). I lose my focus so easily. Sometimes I chalk it up to being “creative” but the fact is, I’m finding it to be somewhat destructive. So, along with no wine in the house, I am going to challenge myself to do one thing at a time, and to make myself focus on whatever thing it is, for at least 15 minutes at a time.
It’s taken me a little while to want to communicate this publicly because old patterns run deep. There’s that little voice inside that was telling me that I’d be judged, not for wanting to make my life better, but for not having had a “better life” to begin with. But what I am realizing is that instead of having all of this come from a place of thinking that there’s something wrong with me – that I am bad – I am coming at it from a place of acceptance. And that’s what this journey has been about for me…being able to make better decisions for myself because I love and accept me, not because I loathe myself.