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Paintball Stories V.1 "I'm one with Nature!" (Remember Whens-days)

Posted Jul 20 2011 9:38am
It is time again for another Remember Whens-day.  Due to the Paintball 24 hour tournament I will be participating in on August 27th and 28th in upstate NY ( Click HERE for more info) I felt that doing some old paintball stories might be the best way to go in order to build up the anticipation!

This story goes back to around the year 2000.  A group of friends and I went out to play "woods" paintball at a professional PB place.  There were about 20 people total, so the games were 10 on 10.  It was 6 of my friends and I, and a father and his two 10-12ish year old kids on our team and we really lucked out, because the other team were all soldiers in the army.

Capture the flag was the game of choice for the day.  This is where each team has one flag to capture and one flag to defend.  The winner takes the other team's flag and brings it back to their base.  Simple enough.  Typically you leave a few people back to defend the flag and you send everyone else to get the enemy team flag.  The first few games the Army team killed us with ruthless efficiency.  At the end, when they were sure we were all dead, they would brashly high five each other and get the flag as a group, which was typically around 5 or 6 of them.

In paintball, after you get hit and go out, you go into something called "The Dead Zone" which was generally near your flag so that you could still see how badly you were losing.  This brash display by the opposing team outraged our group of winners each time, but there was absolutely nothing we could do about it.  They were better than us, so much so, that even the brain trust I was with, including the Dr. himself, couldn't figure out an effective strategy.

I decided I would start playing defense instead of getting killed immediately each time by going for their flag.  I blended in with the surrounding scenery next to well know Remember Whens-day regular, The Big EB as we hid out and waited for an attack on the flag.  I was feeling good and stealthy, and whispered to The Big EB "I feel one with nature!", about 3 seconds later we saw 4 of the Army team coming up our flank.  We steadied our guns, confident that they didn't know we were there since we blended in so well.  We were going to make short work of them and raise our hands in victory!  Unfortunately, at about the time they were perfectly in our sights, I let out a loud sneeze.  One of the 4 Army people yelled "Bless you" and then incinerated us under a hail of gunfire.  The Big EB then politely commented "GOOD ON D!CK!" as we both left in our shame.  We were the last two left, and after they got us, the high five's, victory pelvis thrustings, and general "You suck!" chants began as they took our flag..

The next match I decided that I would not even go more than 10 feet from the starting point and hang out dangerously close to the dead zone.  I wouldn't move the entire time and stay out of sight.  When these animals went to get the flag and were half way through a pelvic thrust after they thought the last of us was dead, I would then charge them and take each one out, right infront of the dead zone where my team could see the unimaginable and watch as I single handedly won us the game.  I was going to specifically aim to rocket one at their nuts!

This game went just like every other one, only there was the addition of people calling me a "Pu$$y" as they saw me strategically cowering in the back of the field on their way to the dead zone.  Sure enough, the Army team killed what they thought were the last two of our players defending the flag, and 4 of them came out high fiving, pelvic thrusting, and really rubbing our face in it.  Reread that last line, and it sounds exactly like it was meant to sound.  Here was my time to show these goons that we CAN out-smart them and we CAN win!!!

There are few times in your life where you can so clearly see the future and what is going to happen.  I was visualizing me taking out two of them before they even realized what happened, then getting the third, as the fourth one shot at me, I dodge the bullet by jumping over it, in mid air, I shoot the last person and come down as a do a pelvic thrust on him while screaming "BOOOOO-YAAAAH!!!!"!  My team, unable to control their emotion and gratitude storm the field, lift me on their shoulders and start a "U-S-A" chant!!!  Of course, as these "dead" players rushed on to the field after they had already been killed before I captured the other teams flag, we would be disqualified, but really, it wouldn't have mattered.  This was going to be the high point of my sporting life, and a simple technicality like that was not going to ruin this fantasy.

So now lets see how accurate my sooth saying was!  What happened was the following.  I got out of my very uncomfortable and strategically cowering position as I slowly rose to one knee.  They were all so happy and high fiving, they didn't notice.  I then stood up and began my charge!!!!  I could sense the entire dead zone suddenly felt we had a chance and they were holding their collective breaths!!!  I took my first running step as I let out a loud war cry!!!  "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", at the moment after my first charging step in my bull charge was over, I noticed that I had the worst right leg cramp of my life. It was so bad that my knee wouldn't bend at all.  It didn't sway me though, I still had one good leg and I would drag the other behind me if need be as THIS IS WAR!!!!!  I let out another "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" as I slammed my left leg forward, that ended up getting the exact same debilitating cramp.  NOW BOTH OF MY LEGS WERE COMPLETELY LOCKED AND I HAD MY FULL MOMENTUM GOING FORWARD!!!!  I let out a single shot that ended going straight up in the air as I fell face first into the hard ground that fortunately had some deer crap to soften the impact.  Right as I hit mother earth, I heard The Big EB again yell "GOOD ONE D!CK!" to which everyone on my team added on their own insulting catch phrase of choice.  I tried shooting blindly as I was thriving in pain, and spitting out feces but my shots weren't getting anywhere close apparently..  I heard the 4 army people in stitches cackling at my situation and intentionally letting me linger longer there to suffer in not just the physical pain, but the emotional pain that such a brave, yet fool hearty attack brought upon me. However, eventually when they couldn't laugh anymore they lit me up a well deserved humiliating shade of pink. 

Apparently, I was a little bit off with my psychic abilities, although I think that my war cry was pretty spot on.

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