But... today is a new day. I finally feel like I am in a place where I can get totally back on track and start losing weight again. It's been a long time since I felt that way. In fact... it's been almost 2 months.
And... I pretty much feel like crap... both physically and emotionally. I hate that I have let myself go for two months and have gained weight. I hate the extra pounds that I see when I look in the mirror. I hate the extra pounds that are causing my pants to fit tighter than they have fit in months. I hate the way this weight gain has made me feel about myself. I just feel fat and ugly and old.
And... I know precisely the moment when I fell off the wagon. I know what caused me to fall off the wagon big time. It was a big, freaking dose of discouragement in the form of a comment that my husband said to me on a Tuesday night back in January when we were watching "The Biggest Loser."
I should have blogged about this before. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have been on a downward spiral for the past two months and maybe I wouldn't have gained any weight. But that's in the past... and I'm moving on. I'm not going to let one lousy, discouraging comment control me anymore. My health and my life is more important than that comment... and I need to get over it already.
To be perfectly honest... I don't even remember EXACTLY what he said. But he inferred that I really wasn't losing weight very quickly and it was going to take me forever to get to a normal weight.
He didn't say it meanly or anything, but when he said it... it cut like a knife. I could have died. I just felt like giving up for good... and, in fact... I pretty much DID give up for two months. I held all of this pain and discouragement inside and I let it eat at me for 2 months... and I ate, and I ate, and I ate to numb my feelings. I turned to food for comfort the way an alcoholic turns to the bottle.
Today is a new day. I acknowledge that what he said hurt me tremendously and discouraged me to the point of almost no return. Today I am getting back up on my feet and moving forward and leaving all of the pain and discouragement behind. I don't need this excess baggage weighing me down anymore. I acknowledge it, I'm angry about it, but I'm moving on.
And I'm pondering what my new plan of attack for the rest of this years is. If you have any advice, I'd appreciate it. And I'll be back this week to let you all know what the next phase of my journey is going to be.
I hope you're all having a good week. Stay strong... and let's lose some weight together this year! :)