I've been through quite a bit in my 45 yrs. I can say without a doubt I am at the happiest and healthiest right now in my life. Yet I still struggle in many areas of my life due to my past. In the past few weeks I've been opening up old wounds. Some I had thought I had put in the past but yet as I talk about them again I see that isn't really true. With all this though I know that nothing from my past can really hurt me now (I've wrote that before). It's all in my hands how I handle things.
In the past 6 or so months so many things have happened. I really think I can say that this has been the most eye opening and tough 6 months of my life in so many ways. It's made me realize that really over all I've forgiven most of the people that hurt me in my life. Probably only my father is the exception and honestly even concerning him it's not about not forgiving him but more about not feeling the need to see him again. Honestly I don't need to see him to have closure.
I read a post yesterday from a 7 yr maintenance blogger and reading her talk about still struggling with food at this time in her life really opened my eyes to realize that it's ok that I struggle sometimes. Honestly I doubt I will ever totally fix my disordered eating. I do believe I can become more aware though of triggers and things in my life that help or hurt me. I think that's what I've realized in the past few weeks of talking more about old issues is it's more awareness that I want and to let the fear go. Just like that blogger could identify the reasons behind her struggle yet still be in it made me realize it's ok.
I think getting over my fear of regaining is a big thing I need to work on too. I've been in maintenance now for almost 3 yrs. I do realize that things going on around me affect me but if I continue to stay with my established habits I've had for the past 5 yrs I will be ok. I think the 10 lbs I've put on is more due to my fear (anxiety) than anything else. I am learning that sitting with those emotions is what will benefit me the most. Realizing that I am ok, that nothing can hurt me but me. I hold all the cards, all the power. Of course I've known this but I think having it brought to my attention in a different way has helped me see it clearer.
Having spent most of my life in isolation I was in the mind that reaching out to others was a good thing for me. I still believe that but I now realize that it's how I reach out. That I don't need to be in a state of panic and urgency and have the mentality of "reassure me right this minute" that sitting with my feelings is the better thing to do. I'm finding that something I've used for the past 4+ yrs is a good outlet as well, this blog and writing down my feelings. I hold all the tools I need within myself and it's kind of funny to me sitting here knowing I've said that to others tons of times. Yet some how I've not really grasped the notion deep within myself. That I still doubt my abilities again and again. I've repeated so many times "I can do anything" yet deep within myself I still have doubts I can keep this weight off forever.
So where do I go from here? Well I continue to seek freedom from my fears through understanding myself better. I continue to do the things that brought me to where I am today. I just continue to believe in myself. I also need to start making some goals for myself for what will continue to bring me happiness. Honestly right now I'm not sure what my goals are. I know over the next few months I will be making my yearly rounds to my local TOPS chapters and I will hopefully make a difference in at least someones life with my words. I do know helping others through TOPS is something that brings me happiness.
I did make it to the gym last night and I decided that maybe I want to get back to my night time workouts. I miss the familiar faces, I miss my old routines. I feel as I continue to dig deep within myself for answers I also need to put back in place routines that do bring me comfort. I'm not saying I won't try to make some morning classes but I will also allow myself to fall back into a routine that worked for me if I feel the need. Thanks for the comments about my brother-in-law I think if I just keep in mind how I would like to be treated if the tables were turned I think it will be ok. Plus my plan is to let Mike take the lead since it is his brother. I don't seem them having any kind of physical confrontation and usually his brother only comes for the day so if someone were to leave I'm guessing it would be him. But I'm hoping it won't have to come to that. I'm hopeful his brother will do the right thing.