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On The Rocks

Posted May 07 2013 9:23am

On The Rocks

May 7, 2013 by
BEHOLD!

Calorie-Free Alcoholic Drink

A calorie-free alcoholic beverage to get you NICE AND SLOPPY when you’re out on the town!

The only guilt you will feel is when you wake up the following morning after the bender… To find yourself next to someone you…

Don’t… Even… Know…

Hey! At least you don’t have to go to the gym to burn off all the calories you drank last night!

Cameron Diaz Exercising and Flexing Her Guns

That’s one way to burn those calories Cam!

If you actually believe what I just wrote… Then you’re probably intoxicated right now!

Going to sticky bars, ear drum bursting clubs, or sometimes even the reality-escaping, Narnia-like place, the liquor cabinet in your house, typically results in slurping down copious amounts of calories (and sugar) that you really didn’t intend on ingesting.

Lindsay Lohan Wasted Sucking on Finger

Or did you?

But what’s 5 pm with out a little alcohol?

How can someone dance all night like a crazy chicken without liquid courage?

Who can get through a morning at work without doing a keg stand in the bathroom? (If you’re actually thinking this… You may want to seek help)

  Kim Kardashian doing a keg stand

Class, Class, Class!

It can be pretty tricky navigating through a colorful cocktail menu

Hopefully though, you can tell that a Baileys Hot Chocolate Tiramisu is just another way of saying: let me get you wasted while dumping a garbage truck full of sugar and calories into your face. 

Bailey's Hot Chocolate Tiramisu

And a Guinness Float with Coffee Ice Cream, Whipped Cream, Salty Peanuts and Chocolate Syrup can be translated to mean: sure pretend all you want that you’re seven years old again in that diner you used to frequent, but the sad truth is… yeah, I won’t go there.

Guinness Ice Cream Float with Coffee Ice Cream, Whipped Cream, Peanuts and Chocolate Syrup

So then what beverages are code for: let me get you a little tispy without stuffing your head into a bag of sugar and empty calories? 

Well water is always a good choice. 

Just kidding! Who on earth goes to a bar and orders a water on the rocks… Seriously?

Ice Cold Water

Okay, uh, why am I raising my hand? 

But honestly, if you want to take a load off without putting a load on… There are some BETTER alternatives than the Mojito you’re waving the bartender down for. 

  • Vodka Soda (Diet soda that is) 
  • Gin & (Diet) Tonic
  • White Wine Spritzer
  • Bloody Mary
  • Light Beer
  • Skinny Girl Cocktails (I am in NO WAY affiliated… But they are a little easier on your GUT than say… a Long Island Iced Tea)

Beyonce and Jay-Z Drunk in Limo

Clearly Beyonce ain’t listening…

If you want to wind up looking like slop-job [INSERT CRUNKED CELEBRITY'S NAME HERE]…  Then by all means, ignore my advice. 

However, if you want to look HOT…

Instead of looking like a bloated Lil Kim…

Lil Kim Plastic Surgery Bloated Face

When you wake up next to that unknown person the following morning, HEED MY ADVICE! 

So tell me… 

  • What’s your drink of choice?
  • What’s the craziest drunken experience that you remember?
  • Are you excited for The Hangover 3 to come out?
  • Do you have a hangover remedy you want to share?
  • Do tell your “walk of shame” stories! 
  • How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  • Have you ever done a keg stand in the bathroom at work before?  
  • What’s the dumbest pick-up line you have ever heard? 
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