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Not really feeling like writing

Posted Oct 11 2012 7:25pm
Staying upbeat is tough, I feel blah today.  I'm tired of the blah feeling.

I do want to say thank you to Janet though for posting my story on her website.  I felt really honored that she asked me.  It did brighten my day to see myself on someone else's site. I'm thankful for having met Janet for many reasons :)

What to write about...  I'm tired today, didn't get up and go to the gym. Woke up with another stomach bug starting to wonder if it's something to do with my anxiety or maybe it's just that I spent 2 days at the hospital and picked something up and brought it home with me. So I didn't get into work today till 9:30am.

So about my trip to Baltimore, I headed up the road after work Monday.  Mom and I went to dinner, she looked really tired to me but was in ok spirits.  She told me she had felt really down the night before and had called my sister to tell her she felt like she wasn't going to get through this (this meaning Cancer again).  I wondered why she hadn't called me but then I guess these past months (few years really) it's been my other sister (Kevin's mom) she's called on a regular basis.  

Mom didn't sleep good Monday night and seemed to be up half the night.  She woke me at 1:30am and again at 6:30 coming in my room to root through her dresser to find something.  I kept telling her to just turn on the light but she just wouldn't and kept getting irritated with ME lol.  So we both ended up early when her appt wasn't until 9:45am.  But then she seemed to have a million things she wanted to do and our time kept slipping away.  We got to the hospital just in time.  But by then she was so full of anxiety I ended up needing a half a pill myself lol.  I immediately told the nurse that she would probably need something for her anxiety to get through the biopsy.

Thankfully after they took us into the back where there were rows of recliners and many filled with  other oncology patients the doctor came in and talked to my mom and asked what she was most anxious about.  After my mom said the bone marrow biopsy the doctor told her not to worry about that right now that first they were going to just take blood to check her numbers and then "maybe" she wouldn't have to have the biopsy.  Of course I think my mom knew it wasn't true but it did seem to calm her.  She got through 6 needle pocks till they finally found a vein that would work and they took several tubes of blood.  

We waited for what seemed a really long time till finally the doctor came back with a paper with my mom's numbers.  That's when I asked a few questions and she drew a little diagram for me and told us she thought my mother had something called myelodysplatic syndrome and I said "oh so she doesn't have Cancer" and the doctor said no that it is a form of bone marrow cancer.  I looked my mother's blood numbers over and realized that ALL her numbers were below the low range.  She kept asking if my mother's chest hurt and was very surprised it didn't.  

After that we waited some more and then were put into a private room off the other room and they prepped her for the biopsy.  They thankfully gave her some meds to calm her and she soon got kind of sleepy.  I sat next to the bed and held her hand.  Looking in my mom's face and hearing her tell me over and over how glad she was I was there with her really made me realize that I don't really hold any more bad feelings for my mom.  To know she will be going through a lot over the next many months (maybe years) makes me just want to love her the best I can and be there for her when I can.  So the next 20 mins were spent with the doctor telling us what she was doing.  She ended up going into my mother's hip bone three times to get marrow and not once did my mom even let out a whimper.  Afterwards everyone told her how great she did and she really did do great.  My mom is definitely a strong woman.  

After the biopsy they wanted to give her a blood transfusion but said they wouldn't be able to give her both units that night so I figured if I had to stay another day anyway that it would be better on my mom to just wait till the next day to get stuck again so she wouldn't have to go through it all twice.  So we came back at 10 the next morning and she got 2 units of blood.  I'm hoping the blood will bring her numbers up and give her more energy.

We still don't know much but she has another appt for Nov 1st so I'm hoping we will find out more then.  I told her I would come back up and take her.  The doctor will give her some options then.  I came home last night and looked up what the doctor said she had and it just doesn't seem good.  But I'm going to do my best to stay hopeful.  

I told Mike today though that if I continue to feel as I have lately I am going to go back to the doctors and get on a depression/anxiety medication.  I just know I don't want to fall in a dark hole.

Then there was the drama at home on Tuesday and feeling like sometimes my family just can't seem to hold it together for even a day without me.  I know that isn't really true but it was true Tuesday lol.  So Tuesday morning I woke up and thought "did I tell Mike he should stay home in the morning and make sure the kids get up and off to school" and when I realized I hadn't I thought I better call and see if they did, that was 8am.  Well Mike hadn't even given it a thought and had went on to work as usual.  So I told him "well maybe you should call the school to make sure Nick is there" but instead he decided to text Nick's phone.  No reply yet he continued to text him trying to reach him all day when it's an 8 min ride home.  

Anyway, thankfully I had left my uncharged phone charging in the van so didn't really know any of this till after I was done at the hospital with mom.  So I have a msg on the phone from the school saying nick wasn't at school today.  So I call his cell and he answers for me.  So I find out neither him nor Marie went to school because they woke up late and missed the bus.  Instead of Nick just calling his dad to come take them he made the decision they were taking a free day lol. So Nick is now without his electronics for a week.  They both did make it to school on Wednesday thankfully :)

So tomorrow Mike and I head up the road for the half marathon.  I'm looking forward to us having the night to ourselves.  I just hope I can pull myself out of this blah mood and be excited about time alone.  I know all this is hard on him too.  I'm still not all that thrilled about the half but I did read Meegan's half recap today and it did make me feel better about it because I know I will meet someone like Paul along the way too :) Really for me this time it is about the journey not about a PR or anything else.  I will be walking side by side with Mike talking to him and anyone else willing to talk :) I want it to just be a good experience that I'm present for.

Today I spent some time reading through my Fall Rally presentation I will be giving next week.  It's titled "Getting Where You Want to Be" and I'm really hoping the TOPS folks will get a lot out of it.  As I was reading it I kept thinking of where I am now and what is missing and I really do think it's more "me time".  That time you spend with yourself just being with yourself.  I don't get a lot of that but I do know I need more.  

My mom called me 3 times today about her phone bill.  She about drove me crazy and didn't seem to listen to what I had told her during the first call.  It made me think that maybe it is good she calls my other sister with stuff lol.  My mom and I had plenty of moments during our 2 days together, good ones and not so good ones.  But I thought I did good just letting her be herself and not getting upset for who she is or how she is.  I surely can't change my mom at almost 70 and I'm not going to try.  

It's quiet here tonight.  Mike took Nick to therapy and I dropped Marie off at basketball practice. So I thought I'd come back and write.  

I emailed Marie's soccer coach today feeling guilty over her missing practices and games lately.  It felt good when he emailed back and offered for him and his wife to come get her for practices or games if I needed them too.  His son has been in Marie's class since kindergarten and it felt good to know there was someone else in my corner if I needed them.  I told him I might just take him up on his offer next weekend when I didn't know how I was going to be able to do Fall Rally with Mike and get Marie to her soccer game.  Sometimes it's good to reach out.

Well it's about time to go pick Marie up.  

Till next time...
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