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Not a holiday for me

Posted Feb 20 2009 7:22pm
I kept wondering why there wasn't the usual blogger posts today and then it came to me, today is a holiday. Not one for me sadly enough but one for most. Here I sit at work though wishing I had the day off too *smile*.

I've been thinking a lot (and talking to hubby) about how I've been feeling the past few days. I hate the whole anxiety thing that goes on with me sometimes and not being able to figure out why. I think it started last weigh-in (Wednesday) when I gained 0.4 lbs. It really affected me more than I wanted to admit. Sure 0.4 lbs in the grand skeem of things is trivial but it was the fact that I felt like I ate well and worked out hard all week and I got no reward.

But on more thought it was also that hubby lost a lb this week even though he had ate more than a whole pizza hut meat lovers pan pizza with half order of breadsticks, a double loaded cheese burger and large order of fries from Five Guys, general tsos chicken with fried rice and egg roll, had countless beers, had other fast food several occasions and ate a double sausage breakfast sandwich from sheetz every morning for breakfast and who knows what else. I know he's a guy and he weighs more than me but still it just seemed so unfair. To think sometimes when I eat just one or two things off plan in a week I gain 2 lbs and when I eat really good I still gain 0.4 lbs. Of course I've had plenty of success or I wouldn't be down to 222 from 378. But I feel like I've worked for every lb so hard especially in the past 4 months.

Then I wonder too why do I struggle with myself so much. Why can't I get my head on straight. I'm in therapy, talking about pass and present issues. Why do I still want all the foods I know aren't good for me. I also know I will always want them. I look at the people eating salads and loving them and think why can't that be me. Why can't I love veggies more. I think about trying to make myself but I just don't want to. I keep wondering am I just unwilling to lose "all" the weight I need to. Am I unwilling to change more, do more.

I've written about this before yet I keep coming back and talking about it again and again. Is it that I don't believe in myself to get to goal. It's not like my goal is unrealistic either, I picked 180 lbs because I really didn't believe I could get lower than that. I picked a weight I thought I could maintain too.

I'm kind of sick of myself. I don't want to be a whiner but I do want to reach my goal. I guess too I want it to be easier. But I know it's not, at least not for me. I know I'm not alone. I know we all struggle. I sometimes wish I was stronger though. I feel like I can preach and get on my soapbox sometimes yet inside I'm always struggling, knowing what is the right things to eat and do, yet not always doing it.

I feel like my one constant is the exercise. It's my saving grace. But I live in fear of at some point struggling with it too. What if my knees had been to bad and the doctor had said I had to stop exercising for awhile. I would have freaked. Thankfully that didn't happened. Just this second something Mizfit said to me awhile back about don't dwell on the what if's, it's like wishing for the things you don't want to happen (or something like that). I know she's right. I know I need to just keep pushing forward and doing what I know is right. I need to just enjoy my life.

A part of me wants to give up counting all the calories but deep down I know that for me counting is a must. I guess though I'm tired of thinking about it all.

My plan today wasn't to talk about this and go on and on. But I guess it's something I needed to get out. Hopefully now I can just keep moving forward and stop worrying about the "what if's" so much.

Yesterday I did go for my walk. It was cold but I was glad I went. It always makes me feel better doing something. Plus I do love being outside.

Tonight I plan on going to the gym. I need to look through the BOM and see what my next weeks will be like. I'm to the next workouts. I joked about the he-man gloves the other day but I'm really considering getting myself some because my poor hands are in bad shape. I must admit though the thought makes me feel pretty silly lol.

Well hope everyone has a great day.

Well till tomorrow...
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