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No, I have not been cloned.

Posted Apr 18 2011 1:01am
Many people think I have been cloned after learning I woke up on a weekend, today which is Sunday, at 7:30am and got up and went to the gym and exercised for 2 hours. Plus I only got 5 hours of sleep (I'm a 8 hours of sleep kind of girl especially on the weekends). Yes, it is true. Well let me go back...it is true I did all of the above but it is not true I've been cloned. I did a hour of water yoga and let me tell you there are some flexible people. I'm not one of them (yet). But it was a good stretching, meditation and breathing class which is super important on this journey. Then I did a super intense hour of water aerobics. River and I (yes he did both classes with me and he enjoyed them) went to the Encinitas YMCA today rather than our normal YMCA in Rancho Penasquitos . This water aerobic instructor was great. We got music (we don't get that in Rancho Penasquitos) and we got a very energetic instructor. She really encouraged us to push. We did some sprinting where I just really pushed myself. I definitely was winded but it felt good afterwards. I'm just learning to have a healthy lifestyle again. Something happened last week that really got me angry as to where I was with my weight. So my anger has helped fuel my passion and desire to live healthy by eating right and exercise.

So let's back up. What I am about to tell you is very embarrassing but by letting it out I am hoping it frees me from holding the embarrassment in (what a vicious cycle).  So I was invited (along with several co-workers) out to a social happy hour event and I had to decline not because I wanted to but to save me from possible embarrassment. I don't drink alcohol any longer but that isn't what really bothered and stressed me out. Yes, I was stressed about it. I cried about it, I had panic attacks over it. It really ate me up. Why I really had to decline is the fact that I know this place does not have chairs to accommodate my size nor do they have parking to accommodate my handicap needs. In fact there isn't much parking at all and I know I would have to walk too far and my knee just can't take it at this point. I was so angry that I let myself get to a point where I have to stress about being able to fit in a chair and if I am going to be able to walk to the place without falling over. Of course there is also the uncomfortableness of going to a unfamiliar place (I haven't been there in 10 years) and being around people who are healthy, and well let me put it out there... the "snobby rich people." Don't get me wrong not all people who have money are snobby. But living in a "wealthy" area of town has made me learn that many (not all) of the "wealthy" people look down on people who are overweight, especially over weight as myself. I guess it is because they have tummy tucks and plastic surgery they wouldn't know what real was. Haha. Ok, I'm not hating...just saying... I know I shouldn't care and I know I just need to be me but I am not comfortable in my own body so that stuff really gets to me. I already hear the comments enough in the few places I do go... I don't need to hear them again and nor do I need to be embarrassed one more time in regards to my weight. I heard someone say something at the gym the other day which upset me because I was there to do something about my weight. It was a kid so I can't really let a little kid upset me but it did. At least he said "big" instead of "fat". But nonetheless it still hurts. I know a lot of people have no idea what I am talking about here. Unless you have walked in my shoes (which many of you have walked in similar shoes) then you can't really judge. I'm not saying you are going to judge because all of you are so wonderful... but I'm just saying... It has something that has really upset me and always upsets me when I am invited to go to a "new" place or a place that I know won't accommodate my size. I already get stressed about going to a place that will accommodate my size. Yes, many of you that are close to me don't know that. I can hide things very well. I can fake it until I make it. I do it because I don't want to come across as weak or pathetic and I don't want to hear the words "just get over it". It is more than just getting over it.

So in any event that is that. I'm moving forward to healthy goals now. My goal is 10 pound goals. The big goal for me is to have 100 pounds gone by the time I have surgery in July. I have around 66 pounds gone so I have to try for an additional 34ish pounds in the next 3 months which is doable if I keep my mind focused on the prize (my health).


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