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Posted Jul 26 2011 7:16am
I went back to Colorado very briefly this weekend for Neena's wedding.  I wish I would have had time to see and do all the things I wanted to do but to be very honest.. not only was there very little time, but there wasn't a lot within my comfort zone.  See... people in Utah... they knew me back when I was over 200 lbs... but the Colorado folk... they've never known me to be large at all... and... as I laid on the floor of a friends basement after arriving there at 3 o'clock in the morning... I had a dream.. that people wouldn't recognize me because of my new found keg around the middle. 
I met Neena when I worked at the gym... so each time people at the wedding would ask me how we knew them... I would have to tell them that I was her personal trainer the previous summer and every time I would start with "it's kind of embarrassing" because seriously... how embarrassing that last summer I was a personal trainer and this summer... I'm tiptoeing around an unhealthy BMI eating my own words... and sorrow! 
I still have not figured out how to cope.  How to be ME and still be a student, and a mom, and a wife, and health conscious! 
GAH!!  I have got to get this figured out now... strange I know.... but somedays I wonder if I actually know how.  I mean... I know how to lose weight.. cause I did it before RIGHT?  Except I'm not that girl anymore... I'm someone else.  Maybe I'm more like who I want to become but less like the complete package I desperately want to be.  I've never felt so intelligent and necessary to humanity before as I do when I'm LEARNING in school... but I also feel so incredibly LARGE and out of shape and hypocritical on a daily basis.  Food glorious food!  I think I'm going to dig out my "The Eat Clean Diet" and freshen up on why I loved that way of living!
Hope you are all well! :)
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