1For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 2A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 8A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
I figured it out. Actually, you figured it out and through your advice, I realized: Things are not going to continue as they have been. I have been in a season of rest for nearly 2 years, and now it's time to move on.
The season of rest meant for me more energy to do active things, things like exercise - formal exercise with DVD's, dumbbells, biking and running - once or twice a day! That is because I had the time, and the energy. I had ample time for reading and playing, shopping and blogging, even for waisting time. I had time to baby myself, and my kids, and all the while, JOY was all around.
With the opportunity to work comes a new season in life. Of course. But things will change. I do not get the time, or energy, to formally exercise when I want, and most likely how I want also. It will take time to figure out this new season and make it work for me. It won't be easy, but I know that things will be good. Even when things aren't so good, it always works out for the best in the end.
I'd actually like to tell you all a secret I've been keeping to myself. I didn't want to say because, well... it hurts. Like a knife in my heart, it hurts. The pain has been getting worse with time, but I am a "Glass Half Full" kinda girl. Actually, my glass is always 3/4 of the way full, at least. But I just feel it's time to come clean because, frankly, I need to get it off my chest. I have not let it affect me emotionally, and certainly not physically, because I have held it in. It has become a burden on my heart, and now it has become a burden on my body (hence the fatigue).
First, understand who I am at a glance. I'm a Christian woman close to God. I am a young mother and wife. I feel old because I have been through so much, but so young in the wisdom arena. I am lucky to be surrounded by beautiful women with so much Godly wisdom to share with me. I am very intelligent, but knowledge, even when it comes through experience, is very different than wisdom.
I love this definition of wisdom: "The application of knowledge". A person can be intelligent, knowing all things, but until they learn to APPLY this knowledge, they are not truly wise. This is where I am lacking, and learning.
Anyway, back to my story. Many of you have seen me briefly mention that I am going through court. I am in a heated custody battle over my eldest son. I won't go into background except to say that I have great respect for my ex-husband, though I don't always understand why he does the things he does, I know deep down he is a wonderful and decent person. I miss us being friends, which we were for 5 years of marriage, and continuing for about 3 years following the divorce. Everything has changed.
We have been able to agree on temporary visitation arrangements up until this summer... doh - I mean winter (May-July). My ex's lawyer pushed the US judge, and he ordered my dear son to be returned to my ex-husband indefinitely. Everyone involved was shocked. It wasn't supposed to happen. The judge's primary concern was if he stays with me in Australia, that the Australian judge would take matters into his own hands to order Cadyn never to return back to Utah. In my eyes the decision was made from baseless assumptions, and out of fear for the loss of respect of his own authority and power. It was a foolish decision and unbelievable! He did not even consult the professional custody evaluator, the child psychologist, to find out how this would emotionally affect him. He was ripped out of our home, in the middle of the school year, away from his very close two younger sisters, away from his mother, and who knows when he will return.
He has been gone for 4 months but it feels like 10 years. If I'm honest, even though we see each other weekly on skype (web camera) it feels as if he has died. At times, on the inside, I am grieving and mourning as if he had died. I cannot hold my little son. I cannot teach him, show him, read to him, do things with him. It is something I would not wish on my greatest enemy.
In keeping with God's perfect timing, this very week - the same week when my body is suffering the wear of this burden - a new hope arrived. Negotiations have come up again, and this time we are that close *holding up two fingers indicating 1/4"* to settling out of court (then again, we've been close three times before with no resolution). If we do settle, we'll be saving tens of thousands not to go to trial, but that is on top of the $50,000 we've spent in the last two years. Considering they have paid the same amount on their side, if we would have agreed in the first place, we could have paid for Cadyn's college by now.
Anyway, I don't tell you for pity, I tell you because I need to get it off my chest. It's a big burden that I have been okay to deal with myself, until lately. With the start of work, and not emotionally dealing with my greif over the loss of my son, it started affecting my body, contributing to my fatigue. I just needed a break. I'm okay, really I am. How? H.O.P.E.
Jeremiah 31:15 (The Message)
Again, God's Message:
"Listen to this! Laments coming out of Ramah, wild and bitter weeping. It's Rachel weeping for her children, Rachel refusing all solace. Her children are gone, gone—long gone into exile." But God says, "Stop your incessant weeping, hold back your tears. Collect wages from your grief work." God's Decree. "They'll be coming back home! There's hope for your children." God's Decree.