I've always been the fat one in the family. My brother and two sisters were always average but I was always the chubby one, the chunky one, the fat one. (As age catches up, so has weight for them but I find no real joy in that now.) My life as a child was difficult. My older sister is seven years older than I. When I was in the 7th grade, I wore the same size as she and she was a senior in high school! It was devestating for me.
My first diet was at the age of thirteen. My parents had divorced (a good thing as my father was an abusive alcholic) and my mother had joined Weight Watchers. She decided I needed to go too, so off I went. I was the only kid at my junior high that carried a sack lunch to school and I did it because I was on a diet. Could life get any more miserable?
I don't remember losing much weight at WW that time around. My mom remarried when I was fifteen and I gained three step-sisters and a step-brother. Only two of the girls came to live with us. They youngest was five and I became her surrogate mother. I was even mistaken as her mom many times and to this day she credits me with raising her. Anyway... we moved. Yes, life certainly could get more miserable.
I hated the new family. I hated the new school. I hated my mom. I hated myself. I hated everything. I turned to eating as my only comfort. I spent the four years in high school so miserable. I had two girl friends who were also overweight. I never had a boyfriend. I never dated. I went with a friend of my mom's to my junior prom just so I could go. He was 15 years older but I wanted to go so badly. My senior prom I went by myself. I was the fat girl in the ugly mint green dress I made because I couldn't find a prom dress to fit me. It was horrible!
Next came college. By then I was up to 230 lbs. I thought for sure once I was 'on my own' I'd lose weight. Oh, I tried. I so wanted to be like everyone else. It was all for nothing. I made it through three years (not counting the semester I student taught) and was done. Whew! I maintained my weight for the next few years by sheer luck. I think a lot of it had to do with not ever having enough money. Breakfast was Cocoa Wheats with lots of sugar. Lunch was a Pepsi and two cup of soups. Dinner was whatever I could find that was cheap.
My best friend from college (actually the only real friend I had in college and still my best friend today) introduced me to my husband. I thought he was kind of homely, but hey ... for the first time someone was actually interested in me! I was amazed! Could it really be true?! Six months to the day we met, we married. Sometimes I wonder if I married him because I thought no one else would have me. It scares me to think of the honest answer to that one!
I really wanted children. It was my life dream to just be a mom. After three miscarriages, we pretty much gave up. The doctor told me I should not try to get pregnant again. ::sigh:: So much for that dream! We decided to adopt and eventually our girls came to us. It was a long battle of five years before the adoption was finalized. I put on about 75 lbs during the process and laughingly called it my 'baby weight' but it really wasn't funny and I was dying inside.
I tried several diets on my own. I did Richard Simmons (not Deal-a-Meal but similar with a little grey thing with windows). I did the Greentree Diet. (I don't even remember anything else but the name about that one.) I tried WW again and again and again. I tried Medifast (liquid shakes with dinner as my only meal) and lost 90 lbs. The doctor left the state and I had nowhere to get the shakes so that was that. I did Form You 3 a few years later. Imagine my shock when I stepped on the scale the first time there and it read 425 lbs! Oh my gawd! I bawled right then and there. Again, I lost 90 lbs and we moved out of state. I gave up. I gained it all back. Two moves later and I tried LA Weight Loss. I was up to 450 lbs. I hated being me. I lost about 50 lbs and we moved one more time. (Yeah, we moved a LOT!) Another two moves and here I am.
I can't say what exactly was the moment I knew I had to do something. I just know I went to the NS site on a whim. I never thought I'd actually do the diet but I must have been searching for something. I liked what I read. I looked at the pictures of all the foods. I thought I might be able to survive on that stuff and here I am.
As near as I can figure I was 510 lbs by the time my food arrived. I had to order a scale and even then it went into overload mode. I wanted to scream. I wanted to die right then and there. No such luck! I vowed to get serious and do this ... and I am doing it. Each day it gets easier but I have to be very careful. I know that I have to stay true to the program. I am counting on all of you to help me stay strong. I know you are going to be here for me as I am here for you.