Well here I am typing out a 3rd post trying to figure out how to talk about my fitbloggin weekend. I have Sarah's words in my head "I can't wait to read your blog post about this" and I keep thinking I want this post to be so great and wonderful. But the honest truth is I don't know if I can put into words what this weekend meant to me. I think for some it might have just been another great "get together" weekend of bonding with friends. But for me it was so many things all rolled into one, so much more than I expected. So to try to figure out how to talk about it all in one post seems just impossible.
My first post I started was all about the details and every step of the way which seemed so rambling and drawn out and honestly just plain boring lol. My second post I started was all about the emotions fitbloggin brought up for me. But as I sit here and think about it I realize the biggest thing that fitbloggin did for me was to allow me to open myself up and "fly solo". There have been few times in my life where I've flown solo. I mean I was on my own at 18 so that was definitely flying solo but that was so different. I guess I mean flying solo in a room full of people :) My first real time I can remember was my trip to NY and being on the Dr. Oz show a few years back (always makes me think of you and your mom Lori , I was so thankful for my time with you guys and the 3 ladies I met and Amy and Sarah, well see, plenty of people there too that became my friends). But boy how different I am emotionally from that woman back in 2010. Sure I still have some of the same insecurities but I also see a lot of growth in myself. I think flying solo really teaches me so much about myself too. About what kind of person I am and still want to grow into.
I have to tell this one little story so you will really get me on this. In NY we were all given a tshirt to wear on the show. I was mortified to think I would have to wear short sleeves and the rule follower in me thought I couldn't wear a longer sleeved shirt underneath. So I went to the show in just the tshirt filled with such terrible anxiety. Then I saw a ton of the ladies with long sleeved shirts underneath and I felt all upset that I hadn't just done that. Well Lori was there and came to my rescue. Out of her suitcase she loaned me a long sleeved turtleneck and I put it on under my tshirt. I can't tell you how much relief that gave me (now had I just worn the comfortable shoes but that's another story). Fast forward to this weekend and the mixer on Saturday night and trying to be "better" I wore a sleeveless top and in my room with Janet and Dawn I stressed about it. I put on a sweater over it and we went down to the mixer. But I got hot and I thought any normal person would just take off the sweater so when Janet said just do it, I did :) and it felt ok. I knew it didn't matter, I knew everyone in that room was accepting of me and honestly could care less about my arms lol. But the bigger part of it this time was I actually felt good about how I looked.
Telling this story makes me think of Sue (MrsFatAss) and Samantha who did the Zumba class. I just have to say you ladies were WONDERFUL. You may never read this about yourselves but I'm writing it anyway because I really do aspire to be you ladies, rocking what you love and doing it with darn sexy style and grace. I just loved watching you women up there dancing and making the rest of us want to be you with your great rhythm and confidence.
Fitbloggin also allowed me to meet people I want to model in some ways. Not that I want to be like them but that by spending time with them it allows me to see ways I can grow into the me I know lives inside. That by seeing how they are and hearing the things they believe can bring me to a better understanding about my own actions and beliefs. Just typing that makes me smile. Makes me realize that just 3 days has really changed my life significantly, how cool is that :)
Coming home yesterday, wow, I'm feeling myself well up with tears here all of a sudden, was such an anticipation for me. I just couldn't wait to get home to Mike and the kids. Knowing Kevin was leaving though shortly after I would arrive made me a bit sad but it also made me happy to know I would get to share a last meal, some conversation and then a hug and an "I love you". I found a greater appreciation this weekend for just how lucky I am. I mean I've always felt lucky and so often when I go away for a few days I come home with more of an appreciation but this time really did feel different to me. I felt a joy inside myself and such great love for Mike and the kids.
Through this weekend I realized many things. I know Janet and I had a few small conversations about "things happening for a reason" and how we differ on that belief. I'd always believed "everything" happened for a reason but of course that would mean all the abuse I suffered as a child had a reason and I don't really believe that. So really I've come to believe that "some things happen for a reason" because I definitely know what happened to Janet wasn't for a reason either. Like she says sometimes bad things just happen (don't think she says it quite like that). But having gotten to room with her just really helped me in so many ways. Her spirit and confidence in who she is, is definitely contagious :)
Funny how 2 such different people can still have quite a few things in common and connect so well with each other. Being with her really did feel like it was suppose to happen for me :) I know she will probably cringe reading that but through the life I've had I can definitely see her side of things and am all for "things just happen" but then I've also had a lot of good things happen to me that felt like fate. I definitely don't think things have to be all or none.
Then there was my other roommate also named Dawn :) Her and I also had some really great talks and bonding moments. She seemed to always go missing on me though :) I felt through the weekend I was a bit clingy with Janet but with Dawn she was gone in a flash it seemed :) We did find some time with each other though and I just felt like the 3 of us as roommate worked out really well. I hope that we all stay close. Sometimes things like this do bring people together that will from that point on stay close, I do hope that will be us 3.
I could go on and on about all the things I saw and did and all the people I got to talk to, a part of me really still wants to do that. Some parts of the weekend just felt so overwhelming emotionally to me. Some parts I wish had lasted longer and we had gotten more time to listen to every person's story. I think 2 of the big highlights for me was the "self acceptance" and "the lot to lose" discussions. Both had me balling like a baby but also realizing that I'm definitely not alone in so many things I've been through in my life or how I feel now when it comes to struggling at times.
I wish I had gotten more time with Tara and Megan. Maybe now I will just comment more on their blogs so they know I'm here :) I was a bit sad I didn't get more time with Carla too but I got some good hugs from everyone :)
I got some time with Karen which was nice, I wish her and I could have had more time actually. I know she's just an email away though :) I need to remember that more about all the people I saw and got to know better. This morning I'm reading the ebook that Karen, Mara and Shauna put together and all I can say is great stuff ladies, well done for sure.
I enjoyed my time with you too Sarah :) I had met Sarah at the Dr. Oz show but we really didn't spend but a little bit together so was nice catching up with you too. I could go on and on about the people I got to sit and talk with, everyone was great, Jack, Alan, Robby, the 2 great dinners with Amanda and Coco (I'll be for sure stalking you ladies now, regret that I never got Amanda to take my yoga pose), and the list goes on and on and on. I hate not being able to mention every single person I got to sit and talk with at some point. So often I felt like I was with rock stars, people I had read their blogs but really didn't know very well.
Then there was my evening out with Sheryl (bitchcakes), that was a few hours I'm sure Janet and I will remember for a long time :) We both agreed it made us appreciate our little quiet lives lol. Though I will also admit it was fun to just feel a little wild and crazy too. I really enjoyed actually getting to spend some time with Sheryl since for the years of me blogging I've just looked into her life and thought how cool it must be :) was nice actually seeing it in real life. How as you walk with her everyone turns to see her :) how cool would it to be to walk in her shoes for a day, well not actually because I don't do heels but you know what I meant lol.
I'm sadly sick this morning, woke up with some kind of stomach virus so made the decision to just stay home today. To have a whole day to myself at home is rare :) Honestly I probably needed a day to just be with me :) I can jump back into my life tomorrow :)
Well this post sure isn't all I had hoped it would or could be. My words just aren't coming together like I would like them to but that's ok :) I'm sure there are so many other people that will write those perfect words of wisdom for me and I'll read them and say "wow, what a great post" and I'll shake my head in agreement.
Flying solo made me realize a few other things about myself too. That I still struggle to feel like I fit in. It is more about the feeling too than actually fitting in as I know I do fit in just fine. I think from spending so many years trying to always avoid being around people it's made it a bit tougher for me to "mingle" but I feel I did make an effort and I was thankful for friends like Janet, Karen, Sarah, Dawn, Jack and many new folks that made me feel so comfortable and "at home". I loved all the people I got to meet too :) I really do wish I could have sat with every person for a day and just hung out.
I can't forget Gerri (not sure I spelled that right), Roni's mom, either. I got to walk the 5k with her on Sunday. What an amazing woman and how connected to her I felt. I know she doesn't have a blog but if Roni reads this please tell your mom that walk and talk meant a lot to me and that if your mom ever needs an ear please send her my way :) To you Roni all I can say is job really well done. You and your team were just wonderful and I thank you so much for allowing me to "fly solo" and grow so much :)
Before going to fitbloggin so many things made me feel guilty about going but today writing this and feeling how I feel I'm so very grateful I did make the decision to go and to leave the guilt behind. I think stepping out of my "box" at many different points throughout the weekend really helped me and maybe something I said helped someone else. Something Dana said awhile back always comes to mind when I'm writing a post like this, "I am blessed". I really am and I'm so very grateful.
I've come to realize that I need people, more people in my life. I've went through my life with so few people to really open up to. I need to change that. I need to realize that me reaching out and opening up to others might just help them as much as it helps me. That I'm good enough to be friends with :)
I've said this before but I always framed it around weight loss but honestly I think if I could give people one piece of advice for finding self acceptance within it would be to surround yourself with people that want good things for you and treat you well, like minded people, so you fill yourself up emotionally. It really is about fixing yourself happy because you know as well as I do that when you're feeling real happiness, real joy you want to be good to yourself in all ways. One thing I said a lot this weekend was "you aren't your weight" and boy how true that is. Everyone I met was special.
Well I've rambled enough, I need to just post this even if I've forgotten something. Wish I could reach out and give everyone I met this weekend another hug and a big hug to all my old friends that have been with me for years now. I'm so thankful for each of you. Thanks so much for your support and love through these years of blogging.
Till next time...