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Mastering: The Art Of Noticing

Posted Jun 25 2013 11:50am

My weight has been an obsession for pretty much my entire life.

The reasons for the weight, the reasons I struggled, the reasons I resisted.

Desperation when my jeans got tight. Exhilaration when they got lose again.

Becoming a “Before & After” success story with my picture on the cover of a magazine.

What works. What doesn’t. Counting calories, not counting calories, weighing every day, not weighing for over three years.

Gluten-free. Not gluten-free. Dairy-free. Not dairy-free.

Self-acceptance, discipline, control, motivation. Thinking thoughts. Feeling feelings.

Kickboxing, running, yoga, kettlebells.

Bingeing often. Bingeing sometimes. Rarely bingeing.

Hormones, Lyme disease, thyroid, and adrenal fatigue.

Proving, defending, explaining.

Weight loss has also been a “public” endeavor for me since around 2004, which is when I joined eDiets and used the support forums there to write about my experiences. But even before that, it was something I often felt compelled to explain and talk about.

I felt compelled to be working on it – and to prove that I was working on it.

Those who’ve been with me over the years know that the reason I started this blog in 2009 is because I regained some weight after having lost a bunch.

What I now know for sure (thanks Oprah) is that I was REALLY hungry for to be heard. More than food, I craved attention. And so it made sense that I wrote publicly about my efforts (proving that I was, indeed, working on it).

I believed that my worth (and thus my place in the blogging community) depended on writing about my weight loss efforts. I was operating from the belief that if I wasn’t blogging about weight loss then no one would pay attention to me (talk about scale-dependent self-esteem)…I didn’t think anyone would find my writing valuable UNLESS it was tied to a weight loss effort.

Now obviously, I’ve written about a whole lot more than that over the years, but IT has always been there as the premise behind everything I do here.

A little while ago (I can’t say when exactly), I consciously chose to take my “weight” off the public table, although I think I’ve been slowly doing that for a while now. I stopped posting about my workouts on Facebook and Twitter. I stopped writing about it here.

And I’ve noticed something. The less I feel the need to prove that I am doing something, the better I tend to actually do it. That’s not to say that I regret having made it a public conversation…I wouldn’t change that for anything. It’s been an incredibly healing, enlightening, and empowering endeavor. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t been there.

As I said in a guest post here :

I am not exaggerating when I say that blogging…

creates awareness…

makes me think…

helps me find my voice…

helps me to be heard…

is a big part of my overall health plan…

gives me clarity…

helps me continually discover my true calling…

keeps me grounded…

keeps me honest…

creates relationships and connection…

nurtures friendships…

changes my life…and

saves my life.

 

Now, having said all of that, this isn’t an announcement that I am quitting blogging or that I will never, ever write about weight, fitness, health, food, etc. again. Just a rather long observation. Which is what I do well, right? :-)

And on that note, I am super excited to see, either for the first time or the second or third time, many of the bloggers who have informed my journey and whom have supported me over the years. It’s time for Fitbloggin ‘, which is taking place in Portland, OR. I am also thrilled to be offering an Emotional Freedom Technique workshop, focusing on the incredible power of self-acceptance.

What have you noticed about your own blogging journey? Will you be at Fitbloggin’?

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