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Look at me??? Look at yourself !!!

Posted Mar 25 2009 3:56pm
Hey Friends. Thought I would jump on this morning and write about some stuff I have been thinking about.

You know there is something that has been eating at me for quite a while, something that I may have mentioned in other posts, and that is how because of the project I had done last year, how everyone now without knowing it, most of the time looks at me with a label now. Almost like now I am suppose to be this perfect person as far as weight and health, and that Rosy is not allowed to gain weight, or to go up and down in weight etc...

This is the only thing that really bothers me these days. I have a great friend for example. One that I have had for many many years. And it seems that most of the time when I hear from this person, its usually when a friend of theirs reads my blog, and then my friend calls me to check up and to question. That really bugs me.

What happened to just calling me to say hey? whats up? how are things? how are the kids? hows life? Simple questions that tend to get left behind now and instead questions like...why are you doing weight watchers?

I know its partly my fault for it was "I" who chose to go public...but at the same time, I never took into consideration that now after the fact, everyone who I come across walking down the street that may know me, or recognizes me, or even good friends will now always have comments in their minds, or even speaking with others like..oh she is doing good...or, wow she has kept the weight off...or wow she has put on a few pounds...and this is what happens when you open yourself up.

My other good friend Jay says this isnt true..and that its all in my head..but I know its NOT. I hear and see it alot more than I would like to.
Even a blogger a little ways back, posted on her own blog how she came across mine and how I have gained some weight and titled her blog "should people who lose weight make a book right away or should they wait"?? something like that. I mean I never made my book to make millions..people don't realize that to make need millions if that makes sense;)You need money to make money.

I just made this book to share my own personal experience. It was my own personal story...Thats it. Its like any other story that you might pick up at a local chapters store when you want to have a good read. I thought it was a good reading book. There are so many stories out there that deals with coming out a winner sort of thing..and this was a real life story.

And to be honest, I can actually say that my trainer and I have not made money from it. It doesnt work that way. Not when you are someone small like us. So whoever thought we were doing this just for are sadly mistaken.

Without knowing me, or knowing my whole story..she wrote this and referenced myself in it so I had all these people coming to read my personal blog and to see what I was all about.

Even on the biggest loser, they never talk about that THEY WILL BE THIN FOREVER...and will work out like mad horses forever either, and the reason being is because life is unpredictable.

I mean what life is today, isnt always what life is tommorow. And if you are reading this blog, its probably because like most of us, we are not always perfect, our lives are not always perfect...and all we can do is strive to be the best we can be. Now whether that is while I am 30 lbs over weight today...or if that is in about 6 months when all of a sudden Rosy is "considered perfect again" in the eyes of others.

We can only try...and thats all people should really care about. Not to mention most of us who have a weight will always be this way. An ongoing battle. We all know that we will fluctuate in weight in the real world, unless you choose a different path.

Like even when you look at people who are making millions of dollars off of books today, and who portray this image of perfection and cannot tell me that they do not suffer most of the time, in the sense where they are probably beating themselves up, to always stay on tip top shape, knowing that others are watching and judging. They are now these idols, and they also know that one slip up and the whole world talks,and their books don't sell. Thats what people love to do, to talk and judge. Do I really want this kind of pressure, not really. I couldnt handle it.

If you are someone who can do that on a daily hat goes off to you..but really..I know personally I cant. I just had to slow down in the sense where, concerning myself..i had to STOP with these thoughts on trying to be perfect or displaying perfection because in my mind thats what people were looking for from me.It was making me all anxious and weird..and its began taking a toll on my life.I just knew I had to stop this.

For that last year, I had to really put alot on the back burner to do what I did in such a short period of time. It was far from easy. It took alot of strength from me. Mind spirit and body.

I just personally realize I cannot handle everyday being talked about etc...whether good or bad. That year was quite the experience, but would I do it again..probably not.(as far as going public)Once you do that, it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on you after the fact, once the highlight of it all is over, because its never really over in your mind, and this can ruin you in the end if you let it get to you. Not only physically but emotionally to.

Beleive me that is the hardest thing about this whole situtaion..once you let people into your life, and give yourself this label..of perhaps being this strong woman..who kicked ass..and who could overcome something that seemed unbelievable from the normal every day person looking in...all of a sudden..anything less of that, its as if we are looked on as failures all of a sudden.

It brings me great sadness to think about this actually. It doesnt matter how great of a person I am, or a great friend, or mother, or even the fact that I can be the most friendliest person and funniest and kind and warm..even though I carry all these great qualities about me..but yet, people still love to judge me on how they see me physically now, but this is life. But in the meantime I am just happy in the sense where I have always stayed grounded and true to you guys, and have been completely honest with everyone and still am today.

I had realized finally that the pressure was getting too hard for me to handle and I just had to slow down, and that meant being honest with all of you when I used to write about it on my blog.

I never cared about watching what I would say because of reasons that it might tarnish how I look, I just tell it like it is, given that its my story...and one that I have been through/experienced myself or what I am going through today.

I have also got weak and got back on facebook smiles, but, I have been starting to slowly take off everything that was related to that transformation prject. Including alot of old posts that are still it takes a long time..since i never erased any. I must have like over a thousand posts i have to rid myself of.

I just want to do this because, I just want to be looked at by others as just a normal everyday person again. This is what I am craving, and is something I think I need.

I am also going to moving next month, and moving gyms as well. It will be nice because the new gym i am going to be going to, is 5 minutes away from where I will be living, husband gets a nice big family discount..(thank you) it is 24 hours YIPPEE I can go anytime...and this I think could not have come at a better time. I think I need change, but most of all, I need to walk into a gym where nobody really knows me. Where I am starting off like everyone else as just someone in the area. Then, afterwards, when I find myself where I want to will be just for myself,,,not for anyone else.

Anyways, I am writing alot hands and arms are down another 2 lbs...and thats about it.

Take care friends!!
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