Last post, I mentioned my number one goal was Consistency in waking up on time. After three days of consistent exercise, healthy eating, and peace, I am doing very well. And I have had the peace to be thinking. I have been in and out of a dream-like state, contemplating life. Where am I? Where am I going? What do I want to do next?
You see, those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time knows that I have been going through a seriously complicated custody/court battle. I got an email from my lawyer in Utah three days ago telling me that the judge has signed the final paperwork. It's over. We have known for a few months that the case would be settled, but now it's done! Over! For the last 4 years I have been putting so many things in my life on hold, just to wait and see what would be done with my children and custody arrangements. Now I know I have full custody. 100%. And the judge has signed it. I cannot express to you how important this is. And even though it's only been 3 days since the final word, I feel like it's a distant memory that I never want to remember. It was a nightmare.
Now what.... I am thinking about another baby :) LOL
Yeah, I know - I have three. I would be perfectly happy to say no more kids. But my partner keeps saying "Someday", as in "yes I would love more, but not right now".... I warned him March 2009 that it's "Now or NEVER" and because of the court case, there was just no way. But now my youngest "baby" is three years old. If I get pregnant now, they'd be 4 years apart. And I'm sure as hell not going to wait another 3 years, building my business, building my old life back up, just to quit again to have another baby. Nope. It's now or never.
Plus, if John keeps saying "Someday" that means he does want a baby, just not now. I want him to be happy. I want him to have another chance at father-hood if he wants. I don't want to be the bitch that, in four years time, tells him that I do not want more kids when he's pining for one. It's got to be now or never. RRRRRR why can't he understand this? Plus, on the other side, our oldest will graduate high-school and move out in 10 years. If I have a kid now, it would be 18 years for this one to move out. Do I really have to wait another three years, have more kids, and then maybe in 22 years I could finally be myself again? I know, it's selfish, but I want to have a light at the end of this very narrow tunnel they call Parenthood.
Something is brewing... Maybe it's not another baby. Maybe it's time to put the little one in kindy (pre-school) and go back to work. Not for an employer, but for myself. Build my business into something major. Right now it's on the side, not that big of a deal. But it could be if I spent time on it. It could be a major source of income, and something to keep me busy, sane and happy.
Or I could have a baby....
I wish life was more simple.
And then there's this story that's been messing with me. I heard it yesterday from a good friend of mine Irma from South Africa. One of Irma's friends, still living in South Africa, a very dangerous nation, was driving along on a road on her way to somewhere. This road had two tunnels they would need to pass through. She saw a guy on the side of the road, and she felt compelled to give this man a ride. In South Africa, you should NEVER do this. But she felt she could not disobey what God was telling her to do. So she picked him up. The guy was very quiet, and didn't say much at all. They were driving for some time when the man looked at her and said "Jesus is coming back very soon, very soon." in an eager, but calm and peaceful sort of way. They were intrigued. When they drove through the first tunnel, which was very dark, they realised when they emerged through the other side, that the man was GONE! Vanished in thin air. They were so freaked out, they couldn't believe what had happened. A few minutes later they arrived at a check point, and they, being so freaked out, told the guard what had just happened. The guard was amazed. He said, "You are not going to believe this but you are the 8th car today that has told me that same thing!" Irma's friend is convinced it was an Angel of the Lord. This happened 3 months ago....
So how soon is "very soon"? It sure has me thinking... what I really need to do is be carefull. We all should, eh?